Response to article 'Men are more than their Penises'

Hi Marie Elise

Your latest Newsletter has inspired and propelled me into responding as I was very moved by what you had written in the article "Men are more than their Penises".  Firstly, thank you for your encouragement and foresight. There is hope for us mere males because at least one person understands there is more to men than their penis.

Gone are the days when women were seen as breeding machines put on this earth to produce heirs. But this perception still persists when it comes to men. When there is any discussion about male sexuality, men are generally relegated to their basic animal instinct – to produce as many offspring with as many partners as possible to ensure their genetic survival. This not only debases men as human beings but also perpetuates the notion that men are ruled by their penis and that’s all there is to them.

Unfortunately there are a lot of men who think like this too. “More, bigger, better” conversations between men seem to support this. Television advertising about sexual dysfunction and impotence ridicule men with these problems and infer that as long as you can ‘get it up’ then everything is OK. However, there is more to men than can be seen from the outside.

I worked in Aged Care for several years and in a quiet moment with two male residents (both well into their eighties) I realised this is not a new problem.

Both men had had prostate cancer years before and each had undergone different treatment. One had chemotherapy and had his prostate removed. The other had his testicles removed. I listened how their condition had attacked not just their physical being but also their emotional and mental lives and their perception of what it is to be a man.

As I listened to their fears about the treatments, whether they would be able to ‘perform’, what effect it would have on their marriage, and saw the genuine sharing of each other’s grief, I realised that this perception really is only on the surface. Bubbling along beneath their ‘uncontrollable need to perform’ is a capacity for pleasure, a willingness to share, and a need for affection and support.

We hear a lot about the female orgasm and how it is a man’s responsibility to perform until his partner reaches orgasm; how a man is labelled ‘selfish’ or ‘not good sex’ if he ejaculates before his partner. How many people realise that to achieve orgasm a man needs the same things as a woman?

Ejaculation is a physical act; orgasm requires the combination of physical, emotional and spiritual stimulation. The physical sensations of touch, taste, sight, smell and sound need to be appreciated consciously. Massage, touch, can bring a man to ejaculation but without the rest of the senses it can be as physical and empty as urination.

So too with the emotional and spiritual senses. A true connection with his partner, a sense of trust, an investment in a shared experience of mutual pleasure need to be present to turn a physical act into a true ‘body orgasm’ where not only the genitals but the whole being knows that it is a sum of all its parts.

Thank you also for highlighting our cultural obsession with denying pleasure. By making anything to do with sex dirty we, as a culture, are perpetuating out-dated conventions. How can anyone, male or female, understand and appreciate pleasure when it is equated to something dirty, sinful and undesirable, not only in others but also in ourselves?

Connecting with others must be an extension of a connection with ourselves. How can this connection be healthy when we have a learned response that links pleasure with guilt?

Gordon

Sunshine Coast

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