Sexual Conditioning

One of the things I love about being a sex therapist is the reaction from people I meet when I tell them my job. Once they get over their initial surprise, they usually hit me with lots of questions and often share very personal details and experiences with me.

One of the reasons for this is that my job description gives them permission to discuss things openly that ordinarily they wouldn’t. When you consider what a powerful influence sex is on our lives, it leads you to question, why is this?

During a recent workshop with Prof. Bill Stayton PhD, Baptist minister and sex therapist from the US, he said most of us grew up sexually ignorant, sexually secretive and sexually traumatized.

We were sexually ignorant because sex education usually covered the safe stuff: anatomy and physiology of the reproductive system, information about bodily changes with puberty, and targeted STI and pregnancy prevention (and still does).

Sexual secrecy was stressed from a young age; we were actively discouraged from talking about it, thinking about it or being sexual in the presence of others. Sexual behaviour in public was usually met with disapproval. And the humiliation if you were discovered masturbating or having sex………

It is not surprising that we were sexually traumatized about it all, considering we’d received so many negative messages about sex, like “ladies don’t behave that way,” “you’ve got a filthy mind,” “that’s dirty” and “you shouldn’t do this or that.”

So from this guilt laden, anxiety creating foundation, we had to discover for ourselves how to actually “do” sex: how to pleasure our partners and ourselves, how to talk about sex and negotiate sexual behaviours, and how to conduct relationships.

Isn’t it incredible that we managed to experience sexual pleasure? This explains why resulting hang-ups can lead to sexual problems, and why many feel unable or unwilling to seek help. Fortunately, a lot of us, as we get older, wiser and more comfortable within our skins seek to enhance our sexual fulfillment.

I say bring on the discussion, the sharing, the validation of experimentation, the learning and the growth. Give yourself permission to explore how to make sex better, how to have happier relationships and how to bring more pleasure into your life.

A parting thought… I do wonder about the current generation, who are embarking on their journey in an ultra-sexualized world promoted by the media in recent times. Will they be any better prepared or will they just have to address different issues as a result?