Sexless Marriage

“ love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source”.
Anais Nin

Passion may fuel the initial stages of a new relationship and there are times it may not.  Although inevitably when we first meet, those early stages of romance are what intensifies our coming together.

Marriage has been passed down through the ages as an institution of commitment, comfort, security and family.  It is a serious business fraught with many diversions, with the realisation of finding oneself in a sexless marriage being one of them. Often times, women in particular feel the pull between keeping house, raising family, working and ensuring an intimate relationship with their partner.  Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, which is a little more than once a week.

Many articles have been written from the perspective of women whose libido wanes and how the male partner is left to fend for himself.  It has come to my attention in recent months that there are many women out there in relationships and marriages that have become sexually and emotionally stagnant, almost as if on some sort of auto pilot. What is also curious, is that it is the males in these relationships who are not up for it.  One could blame the sexless marriage on the significant other yet it may pay to try to identify the problem in order to find the solution. It's possible your partner may not be willing to work on solutions. That is a problem in itself. Your partner may not even feel there is a problem and is comfortable with things the way they are. The problems may lie within you and not the relationship itself. As hard as it may be to hear, it is worth taking a good look at your behaviour and communication patterns to see if they can be improved upon.

Whatever the reason, did you know that there are tens of thousands of marriages that come to an end because of the lack of sex?  So whether male or female the sexless marriage, takes its toll.

Women that I have discussed this subject with range in age from their mid thirties to early fifties.  All have found their inactive sex life leaves them feeling devoid at one level or another.  Many believe that that it is the prescriptive medication taking its toll on men (and women) these days, especially anti-depressants.  Because of the increase in this sort of prescriptive medicine it stands to reason that libido will disappear completely. Chemical overload has its consequences.  Of course there is also financial stress, work overload and many other contributing factors.  What is especially poignant though is where there is a communication break down, or family life over rides the communication channels and there is no longer any intimacy whatsoever, causing disconnection, and certainly no sex.

When asked are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships? Marcel Proust suggests that infidelity is a factor.  Not the act itself, but the threat of it.  For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit. But what if even the threat of infidelity no longer has impact?

Marriage is imperfect.  That is a fact. What starts off with a desire for oneness leads us to discovering our differences.  Often this is a cause for dissension. However the glue is most certainly communication. If we are honest, contrast and disparity has the ability to bring out our strengths, and can encourage us to grow in ways we never would have thought possible. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.

There is often the big illusion that in the case of committed love, we think our partner is ours and so sexual rejection from the one we love and are committed to is particularly hurtful.  What happens when we become best mates rather than lovers?  Is it OK to be a particularly attractive, sexual woman in your early fifty’s with a healthy libido to lie in bed each evening with a mate who does not see you that way?    It is upsetting.  The self doubt creeps in, the not feeling good enough, not sexy enough, is there something wrong with me, all debilitating self chatter. The emotional turmoil which is one of the worst things imaginable.

Sex is an integral part of the ‘whole’ it is required for health and balance in our lives, whether with our beloved or whether in the form of self pleasure. The emotional body holds a sense of self as a sexual, sensual being and the two have to intertwine in a healthy manner, otherwise what occurs are blockages, disease and dysfunction.  Remaining in a sexless marriage or relationship, without being able to turn it round, may not be a long term option.

There was a time when finding a partner was considered the final step in resolving our (women’s) identity. This is no longer a viewpoint maintained by mass consciousness so much.  Our partner’s separateness is incontrovertible, and their mystery will remain forever indecipherable. We are each our own individual self and within the confines of our relationship need to find who we are, for ourselves, not for anything or anyone else.  At the end of the day we can only be ourselves and find wholeness within ourselves. Others contribute to the journey but cannot complete and fulfill life for us. 

I have come across an interesting book with a title "Get Him in the Mood".  It states that you can choose to solve your sexless marriage or relationship from a position of strength, and this book details an empowerment process that women need to undergo which will make it so much easier to get the sex back into their marriage.

©copyright 2011 Marie-Elise Allen