Should You Have a Threesome?

Some couples find the thought of a threesome the ultimate fantasy. Actually indulging in the reality can be mind blowing, disappointing or catastrophic for the couple involved. So should you go there?  Maybe you just want to spice things up, recreate a scene from a movie that turned you on, see what it’s like to be with someone of the same sex or want to watch someone else doing it. Ideally you want everyone to walk away spent, satisfied or hungry for more and with a little bit of planning you can make sure this happens.

 When setting rules, talk about your vision of the fantasy, your boundaries and limits and what the third person’s expectations might be. For example, a woman might decide that she wants to explore sex with another woman while having sex with her partner, where he assists and watches but doesn’t directly take part. This fulfils the girl’s fantasy of having sex with another woman, the guy’s fantasy of having two women make love in front of him, their shared fantasy of sex with a new partner, and the new partner’s fantasy of sex with a woman while her boyfriend watches. Hot! Or you may prefer to be equals with all three sharing affection and sex, or take turns with the newcomer; it might be two onto one…..the possibilities are endless.

By thinking about exactly what you do and don’t want to do, you will get ideas for the rules and limits you would like to set. It may be that you don’t want your boyfriend to kiss the other girl, you might decide that you only want to play in each others presence or there may be a special thing that you want to keep only for each other and not share.

Discuss your fears and explore things that might happen that would upset either of you or make you feel uncomfortable; by imagining your partner doing things to someone else, you can work out what to take off the menu. Boundaries might include “stay focussed on me,” “you can only touch if you follow my instructions, “only touch both of us at the same time” or “you can only have sex with her if you are kissing me”. You may find your comfort levels change over time, so rules and boundaries will invariably change too, but only change them if you feel good about it. As well as the boundaries and limits, think about things that could happen that would really turn you on, and add them to the menu.
 
The golden rule is to only do what turns you on and makes you both feel good. Your relationship should always continue to be the most important thing so check on how your partner’s feeling regularly. If someone is not having a good time, don’t be afraid to change or stop the action. Some couples think up code words to use. You might use colours – green for “I’m good”, yellow for “I’m uneasy” or red for “I want to stop”. If your partner becomes upset, they must become your first priority.

Sometimes jealousy can flare up and they might suddenly have feelings of being left out or betrayed, despite your planning and staying within pre-discussed limits. Do not question them; listen and do what you can to make them feel safe. Follow their instructions about what to do next and if they don’t know, take a time out. Don’t apologise to the newcomer or feel awkward – threesomes can bring up unexpected feelings, but make sure they are ok and then get some space.

If you are the one feeling upset, say something immediately. Don’t feel guilty about ruining a good time – if it was really a good time, you wouldn’t be feeling troubled. Maybe it was a bad idea or was different to what you expected. Perhaps you felt like you needed to compete. That’s ok. This is just one of the many sexual adventures you will have in your relationship. You might change your mind about a threesome after discussion later when feelings have settled down, or you might come up with solutions and adjust your boundaries to handle negative feelings next time.

Agree to only play with someone you’re both attracted to. Decide if you are looking for a stranger or have a particular someone in mind. Consider the repercussions before making any rash approaches. A threesome has the potential to change a relationship forever. When you approach them, reassure them there is no pressure and give them time to consider your proposal.

Directness and honesty can be scary but they are your most helpful tools. Not only can they protect you from an awkward experience, they can make your fantasies come true. Negotiation may be a quick conversation over drinks or could take weeks of getting to know each other before you all feel comfortable. A planning process means everyone has the opportunity to get their wants and ideas out in the open, and to change their mind if they want to.

Your potential partner will also bring their own desires, expectations and limits to the encounter, just as you will. Don’t make any assumptions. They not only need equal affection and orgasms, but also extra consideration for the range of emotions they might experience. Don’t allow them to feel left out and have an idea of what they want from you. If they are more interested in one partner than the other, be wary, and if they have little regard for your partnership, your boundaries or your feelings, find a new playmate.

Lynda Carlyle RN, MHSc (Sexual Health)
Sex & Relationship Therapist
Mob 0425 728 676
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Richmond Hill Psychology
111 Hoddle St, Richmond, VIC  3121
Ph 03 9419 3010
 
Ripponlea Medical Centre
100 Brighton Road, Ripponlea, 3185

Copyright©  February 2008 – Lynda Carlyle