Sassy Chat

These past weeks there have been many topics making the news from same sex relationships and civil unions, to the question "Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?" , as well as  the fact that World AIDS Day has come and gone and after 20 years of red ribbons and World AIDS Day awareness campaigns  in this country,  the 'safe sex' message is still being ignored, not to mention the ongoing debate regarding  sex workers and whether there is a place for them in society or not.

Phew! That is just to name a few. 

Same-Sex relationships

It has already been a source of amazement, to me,  that there are those who feel so strongly against same-sex relationships, who have never had anything to do directly with anyone gay.  Then again there are those who have grown up with a deep againstness, which has been conditioned over time from parents who have expressed immense indignation, and righteous statements about their beliefs of homosexuality being evil, wicked, immoral, depraved and many other words that would fill this page.

That type of conditioning even though it is baseless, is passed down from one generation to another.  Here is an ironic story,  I used to travel to and from school,  with a family of boys that were very crude and derogatory in their remarks about males that did not fit their idea of masculinity.  If anyone was unlucky enough to be obese, they were bullied and ridiculed by this family.  You were classed as a sissy  if you expressed anything by waving your hands around, and if you did not excel at sport, you were most definitely a 'retard'.

When the middle son grew up, his own family of boys carried on the tradition of hating gays.  The eldest son came with his mother, myself and my daughter to an educational evening, where a play put on by gay women and men, showed through song and dance how the HIV virus spread, about the importance of practising safe sex and how easy it was to contract Hep B.

Whilst waiting in the foyer to go in to the theatre to take our seats, this son came up and told his mother he had just been touched up by some gay who walked past him.  This was totally untrue - as yes, he was asked to point the person out- who just so happened to be 'straight'!  His idea to cause a sensation came from this imprint from his father ( in particular) whose againstness of homosexuality was extreme.

Moving on in time, the last time I ran into this family (three years ago), the youngest son had 'come out' and declared to his family he was gay.  The father went through a very painful and emotional time coming to terms with this reality and eventually the generational conditioning came tumbling down.  On his sons 21st birthday he admitted to realising that his youngest sons friends, both gay and straight, were the most amazing group of young people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting and that his son was a very respected, clever, articulate and loved person in this large group of people.  There was nothing debasing, or debauched about their love of life, their friendships, or their willingness to accept each other for who they were.

Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?

This week I received a thought provoking article extracted from the Grazia magazine asking the question whether or not fathers have the right to cut all ties with their child if a woman goes ahead with an unplanned pregnancy, especially if it is against their will.

Again there are two camps in response to the question, where two men had their say - fore and against.

The against response said that even though he was out of pocket more than $55,000 in 15 years of child support, what would be worse in his view was some kid rocking up at the door in say 16 years time with the question "Why did you abandon me?"  He said he would never want to have to explain that he walked away in order to protect his bank balance.

The affirmative response came from a man who agrees a woman has the right to have a baby, has the right to be smart, literate, financially successful and independent and if from that place she wishes to go ahead and have a child, then good on her.  However, if a woman chooses to go ahead and have a baby without a guys consent or knowledge, then hit him for upkeep of that child, then the father should have the right to clearly express his case and not be held liable for two decades of financial grief.

I have a story about that too. A girlfriend of mine had been going out with her brothers mate for about 12 months when they decided to call if off.  The guy took off overseas to get a fresh perspective on life and after 18 months returned. My girlfriends brother mentioned he was going to the airport to collect his mate, so my girlfriend said she wanted to go too.  As fate would have it, after a few drinks and welcome home cheer, the guy finished up staying the night with my girl friend.  Yep.  you guessed it, three months later she realised she was pregnant with his child.

What I never agreed with at the time, was that she did not tell him, and made a decision on her own to keep his child.  Then after the baby was born, about 12 months later, when reality set in, she went after him for maintenance.  She hounded the father of her child until he paid up and indeed, continued to pay up for the next 17 years.  

 Has no one ever heard of a condom??? Surely some self responsibility here would save years of agonising financial burden!

World AIDS Day

When I began my work with HIV/AIDS, I witnessed a marginalised group of people band together in the most extraordinary way and become carers of the sick, campaigners and educators of safe sex practises and show unconditional love for anyone that had been identified as HIV positive.  I had never before ever known or seen people in the community take steps to be there for others in such a powerful way. The educational messages they put together had far reaching effects in schools in the early 1990's as well as making a clear and loud statement about practising safe sex and the use of condoms and using clean needles.

Of course it was thought that this dreaded virus only affected gay people and drug addicts.  This was not true, as once blood banks realised that ordinary men, women and children were living with the virus through being haemophiliacs or having had unprotected sex with someone carrying the virus, then society sat up and began to take notice.

In Western Australia where I was based at the time, one of the biggest points to get across to a section of the community, was to the miners who worked away up North, three months on and one month off. Advocating the use condoms when having sex, usually fell on deaf ears, or at least when it came to putting the message into practise, it was brushed aside. 

When these single miners returned to Perth City , they usually found sexual relief with a sex worker. There were safety measures in place in this instance, as sex workers had received a lot of education and had been briefed to never have sex with clients without a condom.

This message was never easy to get across to those who travelled overseas though.  As one friend who worked in the mines and holidayed in Thailand use to point out. All caution was thrown to the wind when guys took off to Thailand for some well earned rest and recreation.  They were cashed up, would go to bars, be waited upon by skimpily clad Thai waitresses and behave in drunken, disrespectful ways, and then wander off to have sex, never giving any thought to their own safety. No wonder so many came back (even to this day) where months later they learned they had contracted the HIV virus.

Young people today may use a condom if having penetrative intercourse, but what about oral sex?  Given the numbers of young girls who find themselves with oral herpes, I draw the obvious conclusion that they are not insisting on condoms being worn when giving head.

Then there are those middle aged women who after years of marriage, bringing up children and being the perfect housewife, who decide to break out of what has become (perhaps) a mundane and sexless marriage to grab life by the balls and re-connect with their sexual self.  They embark on many dates, with many partners, cruises on ships, try internet dating and never, ever use condoms.  It becomes a game of Russian Roulette.  The point is, these women  were never brought up in an era where condoms were used as a normal part of protection of when indulging in sexual activity. With the advent of the pill, all that was ever thought about was not getting pregnant.  Sexual Infections never seemed as prevalent as they are today.

I personally know a woman who did just that, left a marriage and gave in to her new, previously untapped, sexual expression.  She had a ball. I asked her if she ever used condoms to which she replied "No".  She also said, that she had since had more than a few nightmares about  that fact and had gone and been tested and received the all clear.  I asked her why she had thought of having herself tested and she said she had received a call from a former lover whose voice was very sombre and grave when she answered the phone.  She said her heart sunk down to her toes, and her mind said "Here it comes, what sexual infection has he given me?"  As it turned out, that was not his message at all, but it was enough to scare the pants off her and to go have herself checked.

I asked if she would consider carrying condoms with her at all times now and into the future, to which she replied with a resounding, "You better believe it!".

It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it?

Been to the Supermarket lately?  When you turn over the personal lubricant bottles to read what they contain it is enough to put you off slip, slop and sliding over your partner for life!!  They are full of parabens, glycols, sodium benzoate and glycerine and are in fact really questionable when it comes to your health.  This is your vagina we are talking about.

Personal lubricants play a very necessary part in the enjoyment of sexual activity.  Water based personal lubricants are perfectly safe to use with condoms, even when inserting medication, as well as

Think about it, do you really think oil based lubricants or silicone lubricants (that need soap and water to come off ) are healthy daily options?  Also another word of caution, baby oils, vaseline and cooking oils are NOT options to be used as personal lubricants.  What happens is the lubricant coats the cells and therefore the cells can not breathe.  The natural flora and fauna within the vaginal canal are unable to do their job, because they are blocked from doing so.  Also note this IT IS IMPORTANT.  It is best practise to  never use a silicone lubricant with a silicone sex toy. It is also likely they will weaken latex and cause a condom to break.  Silicone lubricants can be used with elastomer and vinyl, ABS plastics (with polyuerathane coatings)  however they do have this "coating" effect so you would need to really ensure you cleaned your sex toy thoroughly afterwards.

It is safest to stay with water based personal lubricants.

Intimate Organics have three very good (and safe) personal lubricants.  There is the water based HYDRA, the waterbased MELT which is a warming lubricant and does not contain menthol, which is a known irritant for many women, the DEFENSE, an anti-bacterial water based personal lubricant.  Are you wondering what the ingedient is that makes it anti-bacterial.  Well, it is guava bark which has been blended with sea kelp.  The Intimate Organic range of lubricants also boasts SOOTHE the first anti-bacterial anal lubricant!  Again, I need to point out that there is no chemical or ingredient used to numb the sphincter. When synthetic compounds such as benzocaine or Lidocaine are used, they can cause tearing due to the anaesthetic affects on the body.    Intimate Organic personal lubricants are made with certified organic extracts  and are known to be safe to ingest and are latex condom friendly.

Astroglide Natural is glycerin- and alcohol-free.  It is a great personal lubricant that having an Alcohol-free formula is less likely to cause irritation. It is free from glycerin, flavourings, hormones,alcohol and fragrance. It has been produced from plant derived products. It is good to know that “going green” with a botanical formula made of plant extracts makes for a soft consistency that isn't sticky, is a really healthy option.

So next time you randomly go to purchase a bottle of personal lubricant off a supermarket shelf, in a chemist, or in an Adult shop, give some thought to what you are buying. Often vaginal dryness is exacerbated by using chemically loaded products. Natural water based personal lubricants are your safest option and if there are some organic extracts thrown in for good measure then you owe it to yourself, to shop safe, play safe and lube it up... safely!

On this site we have written about threesomes (one of the most highly read articles), we've talked about safe sexual pratices, we have written about the hetreosexual increase of HIV.  After much fear mongering ( remember The Grim Reaper adverts of the early 90's) it seems many of us have become very apathetic and indifferent regarding safe sex practices.

It seems males do not as a rule carry condoms in this enlightened age and in fact prefer sexual interaction without them.  What a 'to do' when a female insists upon the use of a condom.  Anyway girls, if you have a couple tucked into your handbag, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry?

Here are some SAFE SEX slogans that whether humourous or not, still carry a serious message.

As a cute reminder here is another video clip showing us the delights of condom usage.

This is a great commercial about practising SAFE SEX.  Condoms prevail. Check it out!

The Anus. This is an often avoided or overlooked part of the body.  It is filled with nerve endings and like other parts of our sexual body will definitely respond to pleasing touch.  Should this lead to penetration , the slower and the more sensuous the better.  Lots of water based lubricant is required and often the combination of clitoral and anal stimulation (or penetration) will lead to delightful orgasm.  Do not use oil-based lubricants as they can coat the lining of the rectum causing infection. For many heterosexuals, anal eroticism is experimental and is often only part of the love making ritual rather than the main act.

Often the best way to get used to anal sexual pleasure is to do it with your self first.  With a well lubricated finger, or a slim anal vibrator, tense and release the pelvic floor muscle and feel what happens from within.  Stimulating the clitoris whilst simultaneously exploring and getting used to anal penetration during masturbation is a great way to feel more ease. 

Preparation for anal sex, especially for first timers usually revolves around the fear it may be messy.  An enema is the answer to that, although if condoms are in use then that may also help with putting ones mind at ease.  Also if there is a likelihood that vaginal entry will also be made, the use of a condom which can be removed before vaginal penetration reduces the likelihood of bacteria infections in the penis or vagina.

As far as positions go, some women like to be on top.  There is often more control and regulation of penetration. However if you have a trusting and gentle partner lie on your back, have a cushion under your hips for support.  This way gravity stops anal lubrication running into the vagina or urinary tract.
Slowly, slowly is the motto.  Start with a lubricated finger and a slim dildo.  Anal sex is a special kind of intimacy.  Gentle stimulation of the anal opening  and or analingus is deeply arousing.  A penis needs to be well lubricated and after being brushed back and forth teasingly across the anus inserted carefully, slowly and gently.  You see, anal sex is about relaxing, and the first few moments can be a challenge to get the sphincter muscle to relax and also to move through what comes up in the mind about the anus being taboo. Remember to breathe!  Breathe and relax, breathe and relax. For the female it is always better to be able to rhythmically squeeze and relax and ‘suck’ or ‘coax’the penis or vibrator into the anus at her own pace. This is much better than the other person pushing into an opening that is not ready to receive.  Let the body adjust.  Take your time.  The assertive partner needs to be aware and to listen.  Anal sex should not hurt, if it hurts …. pause and wait.

In closing, there are a lot of negative messages we receive from society and from our upbringing, right back to the days of toilet training. Chances are we have all experienced the shuddering, pleasuring , orgasmic sensations of a real good dump.  For each of us anal exploration will be different, there is no reason why it can not be a fulfilling part of your sex life. Physical sensations from anal play are uniquely different from anything else, so go ahead and give anal ecstasy a go.

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