Sassy Chat

  "Fast sex, like fast food, is cheap, but it doesn’t nourish the body- or the soul”- Suzanne Fields

 

Be honest, when a woman goes down on you, you want the act to act as long as possible, right? We, women, feel the same. A lightning fast orgasm borders frustration more than pleasure. Of course, when giving oral sex, we don’t want your mouth and tongue to go numb or your jaw to get stuck and become robotic, but we would really appreciate if the whole experience lasted more than a mere two minutes. Unless of course we are on our way to work, we’re late, but you decide to surprise us with a quick number. Then we won’t blame you for being too fast, we’re just going to appreciate that you wanted us to go to work… free of any tension!

That said, if you get too excited while you’re doing your partner, remember that while you’re sucking all over she’s praying for it not to be over too soon, which means that she’s bound to miss the full pleasure of climaxing.

Here’s a few tricks to make oral sex last longer than usual:

1.    Don’t chase the hot spots first. In the proper sense of the word, oral sex means you can kiss and caress ALL of her erogenous spots, not just the clitoris, which is the QUEEN of hot spots. Most men err because they choose to take the safe road and go for what they know for sure is working. Big mistake! The most important aspect of oral sex is exploring, the majority of women enjoy cunnilingus when it’s their whole body that is being taken care of and cherished. It’s a sign of love and intimacy and we adore to feel like we’re being put on a pedestal and treated like queens. So, use your tongue to lick the surrounding areas: her inner thighs, her belly button, even her anus. Get creative and surprise her with different ideas and movements as you locate her hot spots.

2.    Change pace. Instead of running your tongue up and down like somebody’s chasing you, lick her at different speeds. Do it in slow motion, making sure that you miss no spot, and pick up the pace when you feel she’s relaxed enough and ready to go to the next level. By changing the rhythm, you grant her oral sex with different sensations, thereby lessening the chances of her orgasming too quickly. Give her time to unleash tension, keep building up sensation and the final Big O will grow bigger than both of you dare to imagine.

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3.    Hands off! Even if she begs you to use your hands (either to insert fingers into her vagina, or rub her breasts) don’t give her the satisfaction, yet! The fact that she feels like she’s being deprived of pleasure makes her more eager to make the most of what she does get, and when you’re finally succumbing to her wishes, things are bound to get explosive. You know what you can also do with your hands? You can masturbate in front of her. The image of you pleasuring yourself at the same time is really intimate and her entire body and mind will be flooded with pleasure.

4.    Interrupt the act. To have a sip of wine, to kiss her passionately on the mouth, to rest your hand on her thighs, to run your fingers through her hair, whatever comes to mind. Then start all over again. The pause will leave her body in expectant and heightened desire mode and the orgasm will be delayed, which she will really appreciate. Don’t stop to go to the bathroom or see what’s on TV or go grab a bite of food, that’s only going to kill her mood and she won’t orgasm at all in the end. And you’ll look terribly insensitive.

5.    Make it into a game. Laugh with her, ask her how she’d want you to do her, what she’ll prefer you to do next, tickle her softly, let her be involved in the whole act. That will get her mind off climaxing for a while, but she’ll still enjoy the warm sensations of your mouth and tongue. When she least expects it, get serious and speed things up. When the orgasm comes unexpectedly, the feeling is far greater than when you’re begging for it to grace you with its presence.

Have a deliciously sensual week, hot oral week!!

P.S. 85% percent of women like their oral sex to last between 7 and 15 minutes. Either if they’re on the giving or receiving end.

http://www.gabriellemoore.com/hlicks/marieelise

 

PART TWO of Sassy Chat Blog on Vaginismus

Treatment for Vaginismus can have many factors and the good news is that Vaginismus is usually 100% treatable. First, the psychological issues that accompany it must be treated. If a woman has been sexually assaulted, traumatized or abused she must work through her feelings about that experience in therapy. Having sex used as a weapon to harm you can have devastating affects and it takes time through therapy to work through all the issues and feelings associated with that and be able to return to thinking about sex as something pleasurable instead of harmful.

If a woman has been taught that sex is dirty, bad, sinful, and shameful and that her body or genitals are ugly, dirty, smelly, not to be touched etc. then it is easy to internalize negative feelings about sexuality. This is also something that needs to be discussed with a therapist so she can understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and a wonderful expression of love and intimacy and that her body is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

What else will happen in therapy?

The therapist, along with helping the woman to deal with the psychological issues she is facing, will also use other techniques to help with woman be able to relax and be able to have vaginal penetration. Women get “homework” and are assigned exercises to do at home between therapy appointments.

The techniques for treating Vaginismus include:

•       Relaxation exercises. Learning to practice deep breathing from the belly, meditate and relax the entire body will help learn how to relax the body and mind during sexual activity.
•        Pelvic floor exercises. Exercises such as Kegel exercises which not only strengthen the pelvic floor muscles but also control them. The best way to understand how to do Kegel exercises is to start urinating. In the middle of your flow of urine, squeeze your pelvic muscles until the stream of urine stops. Hold this for a few seconds and then release the muscles and start urinating again. Whilst this is the correct muscle to exercise it is not recommended that you repeat this pattern each time you go to the bathroom. If you are able to put lubricant on your 1st and 2nd fingers and slide them about an inch into your vagina and squeeze and draw up on your fingers, you are doing well, as that is the correct action. You may need to start with one finger. As you build up your pelvic floor muscles, the amount of time you can squeeze and hold them will increase. After a few weeks, you should see a difference. Learning how to identify your pelvic floor muscles as well as control them, also retrains them and helps reduce pain and tolerate penetration.
•       It is also helpful to use restraining devices when doing pelvic floor exercise, such as a Vaginal Barbell, or the Fun Factory Teneo Smartballs.  There are double and singles balls which are weighted, that helps the brain remember to squeeze.  It is recommended that you insert and do exercises for at least 15 minutes each day.
•       Sensate Focus. Invented by Master’s and Johnson, Sensate Focus exercises are designed for couples to learn about touch without sexual intercourse. Through a series of controlled touch exercises where the body, apart from the genitals are touched, stroked and caressed, couples can increase intimacy and trust, take the pressure off of expecting sex, and build an understanding of what the woman needs to progress through treatment and get to the point where she is comfortable attempting intercourse.
•        Masturbation.  While it is true many women who suffer from Vaginismus have issues with their genitals, especially touching them, masturbation is a key component of overcoming the problem.  Masturbation is a normal, healthy sexual activity and it can help someone learn about their body, from basic anatomy to what is pleasurable. Women who experience Vaginismus will be asked to masturbate to help them become comfortable with being touched in the genital area, which will also help overcome feelings of guilt and shame about their bodies and sexuality and prepare for the next phase of treatment. Vibration gives increased sensory input to muscles. There are many women who have discovered the benefits of using a vibrator when masturbating.  A variety of clitoral stimulators are available without having to use penetration.    

Vaginal Dilators

An important aspect of treating Vaginismus is the use of vaginal dilators. These are used at home, alone at first and then with the woman’s partner. There is a series of dilators that range in size with the smallest one being about the size of a pinky and the largest one being about the size of an average penis. The woman starts with the smallest one and works her way up over several weeks to the largest one. The woman attempts to insert the dilator into her vagina slowly until it is all the way in. Usually lubricant is used to help make it easier and the woman does the deep breathing and relaxation exercises to try to relax the pelvic muscles and reduce anxiety. She does this every night for a week and the next week starts with the next dilator in size. This pattern is continued until the woman can successfully insert the largest dilator all the way into her vagina. Vaginal Dilators trigger pelvic floor muscle reactions and women can learn how to control these reactions and redirect them so they respond correctly to penetration. At each stage, if the vagina starts to clench or anxiety increases, the woman should stop, try to relax and start again. It may take several attempts or several sessions of trying before it works but if the woman does not give up, success can be attained in overcoming Vaginismus.

Bringing in the Partner

Once a woman is able to successfully insert the largest dilator with no problems, her partner enters the exercise. Each night they spend some time with the dilators. First the woman will insert the dilator in front of her partner. This not only shows him how to do it and allows her to control the speed and depth of penetration, but also helps reduce anxiety, embarrassment, guilt and shame the woman may be experiencing. When this hurdle is cleared and penetration with the dilator is successful, the next step is letting the woman’s partner insert the dilator.  Her partner should take care to go slow, pay attention to any anxiety she may be feeling and stop immediately if she tells him to stop. As with the solo exercises, it may take several tries before penetration can be achieved but this is the time for patience and understanding.

Progressing to Intercourse

The next natural step in the process is attempting intercourse. It is important that the woman feels she is ready to try having sex, both physically and emotionally. She should be sure to use lubricant, go slowly and have plenty of foreplay. Relaxation exercises should be done and this is something couples can do together. The first time intercourse is attempted the woman should be on top so she can control the depth of penetration and proceed to deeper penetration at her own pace. Couples may have to start and stop more than once in the middle of sex to deal with anxiety and tightening of vaginal muscles.

Sometimes couples get discouraged if they are not successful on their first try but again, patience and understanding are necessary as is good communication. As the woman becomes more comfortable with each sexual encounter, couples can try different sexual positions to see which works best for them.

A word about Communication

By far, the most important aspect of overcoming Vaginismus is good communication between partners. A woman must be able to express her feelings about what is happening to her physically and emotionally. Her partner must be able to do the same. Couples with good communication have better tools in their relationship to deal with whatever problems they face. Good communication facilitates healthy relationships, trust, comfort and intimacy.

Other treatments

Some women report successful treatment of Vaginismus with Acupuncture. The use of Botox injections in the vagina to relax muscles is a relatively new treatment and is still controversial in acting as a cure for Vaginismus.

Good overall health, regular exercise especially those that focus on strengthening the pelvic floor and trying to reduce overall stress can also help with Vaginismus.

The most important thing is to understand that there is help available. Women do not need to hide in guilt and shame. Instead they need to take control of their sexuality and seek out treatment. Women have a right to be sexual, experience sexual pleasure free from pain and love their bodies.  There is no reason with the right treatment Vaginsmus cannot be cured and instead of suffering in silence, women can experience happy, healthy and pleasurable sex lives.

Copyright © 2011 Marie-Elise Allen

Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the content remains complete and intact, and that full credit is given to the author(s), that a link is provided to the author(s) website, www.sassyvibes.com.au and that the information is distributed freely.

 

What is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is sexual dysfunction experienced by women where there is an involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina. This involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles causes makes any type of vaginal penetration including sexual intercourse very difficult or completely impossible and occurs at the anticipation of vaginal penetration or the perception that intercourse is going to be difficult or painful.

Vaginismus is the most common reason for relationships remaining unconsummated due to the introitus, or entrance to the vagina clamping shut completely.  Some women with Vaginismus are unable to insert tampons, tolerate a pelvic exam or any type of penetration to the vagina.

Sexual arousal is possible when a woman has Vaginismus, however when penetration is attempted, the vagina clenches and shuts making sex difficult or impossible.  This can add to the frustration women feel when they are suffering from Vaginismus.

There are two types of Vaginismus:

• Primary –where a woman has never had successful intercourse, either from pain or inability to have penetration. Woman who have Primary Vaginismus may not even be aware they have it until they try to have penetrative sex, insert tampons or have their first pelvic exam.
• Secondary-where a woman has previously had successful intercourse and penetration but is currently unable to.

How common is Vaginismus?

Statistics on Vaginismus vary, probably because many cases go unreported due to embarrassment of the women. Currently sex therapists report between 5-47% of women who seek sex therapy are diagnosed with Vaginismus.

What are the symptoms of Vaginismus?

Aside from the involuntary pelvic floor contractions that make penetration difficult to impossible, symptoms of Vaginismus can vary between women. Other symptoms can include:

• Burning or stinging during intercourse.
• Painful intercourse. This usually results in the woman having to stop sex before completion.
• Unconsummated relationship.
• Avoidance of sex
• Difficulty or inability to insert tampons.
• Difficulty or inability to undergo a pelvic exam.
• Pain with sexual intercourse that has no known origin.

 

How is Vaginismus diagnosed?

Vaginismus is usually diagnosed by a gynaecologist when a woman goes in for a pelvic exam. Sometimes she goes for the exam because she is experiencing problems having sex and sometimes she is just going in for a routine or first pap smear and exam. During the exam the vagina clamps down and makes completion of the exam impossible. Some women are so anxious during the exam they shut their legs and become very emotional further making performing the exam difficult for the doctor.

What are the causes of Vaginismus?

There are three categories for the causes of Vaginismus, physical, psychological and a combination of both physical and psychological.

Physical causes of Vaginismus can include:

• Childbirth-pain or complications from difficult vaginal deliveries, c-sections or miscarriages.
• Urinary tract infections or other urinary problems.
• Yeast infections.
• Vaginal prolapse.
• Cysts or tumors on reproductive organs.
• Pelvic inflammatory disease.
• Sexually transmitted diseases.
• Age related changes such as menopause, hormonal changes, atrophy of the vagina, and vaginal dryness.
• Pelvic surgery or trauma.
• Lack of foreplay/not enough vaginal lubrication.

Psychological causes of Vaginismus can include:

• Partner of relationship issues/
• Fear. Fear of intercourse and anticipation of pain, getting pregnant, of tissue damage.
• Anxiety. Performance anxiety, past unpleasant sexual experiences.
• Unhealthy sexual emotions or feelings of guilt and shame about sex.
• Feelings of guilt and shame about your body.
• Teachings of childhood, “Sex is bad” “your body and genitals are dirty and should not be touched.”

Sexual Trauma, Assault or Abuse

Unfortunately one of the most common causes of Vaginismus is sexual trauma, assault or abuse. Flashbacks of past sexual trauma or assault can cause an unconscious reflex of the vagina clenching shut. This is usually an unconscious defense mechanism that happens as a woman tries to protect herself from more trauma.

Physical and Psychological Causes Combined

One of the most important things to remember about Vaginismus is that it is not the woman’s fault. The pelvic floor muscle contractions, clenching of the vagina and inability to have penetration are all involuntary. They cannot be controlled or stopped by the woman.

Even when Vaginismus has a physical cause, there are psychological effects that go along with it. A cycle develops between the physical and psychological and if left untreated, will continue endlessly.

For example, a woman who has had previous incidents of Vaginismus  will become so filled with anxiety because of it, the next time she tries to have sex it will occur again due to her anxiety and anticipation that the sex will be painful.

The result looks like this:

Fear/anticipation of painful intercourse/anxiety →Unconscious clenching of vagina/tightening of muscles →Clenching/Vaginal tightness makes penetration impossible→ Unsuccessful/disappointing/upsetting sexual encounter → Anxiety over sexual encounter → Decision to attempt sexual activity again → Back to fear/anticipation of painful intercourse/anxiety.

 

The cycle can be emotionally draining and often women will try to avoid intimacy, dating and sexual activity so they do not experience this turmoil. Sometimes when they do enter a relationship, the pressure to have successful penetration is felt so keenly they only experience more anxiety, which of course, results in another episode of Vaginismus. Sexual partners are often unaware of the problem, women withdraw emotionally and sexually from the relationship and the relationship as a whole, suffers. 

Vaginismus can affect sexual self esteem and the emotional triggers such as sexual assault and feelings of guilt and shame about sex can cause women to feel they are in a deep well of sexual failure they cannot climb out of. The truth is, Vaginismus does not mean a woman is incapable of sexual activity, or experiencing pleasure, or does not love her partner and does not want to have penetrative sex.

There is no evidence to support the idea that Vaginismus decreases sex drive, or arousal. In fact, many women are still able to enjoy sexual play and orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Women who experience Vaginismus report the desire for penetrative sex but the fear of painful intercourse and the emotional toll, based on previous experiences, deters them and they are thrown right back into the cycle above.

Both partners can be frustrated at the deterioration of their sex life. Emotions can range from disappointment, embarrassment, guilt and shame, feeling “defective” to an emotional disassociation with one’s sexuality. 

PART TWO: covers treatment for Vaginismus 

 

The words healthy relationships brings up all sorts buzz words, about happiness, love, having the perfect mate.  If we delve a little further we can find ourselves thinking about family relationship and the relationships we have with our work colleagues.  The fact is our entire life is made up of a series of relationships.  Whether they are healthy, functional relationships is another topic altogether.  How do you fare in your relationships?  What about the relationship you have with yourself?  Chances are, if you are older, there is the likelihood that you have developed through your life experiences and appreciate for yourself, for a life lived through many highs and lows and are content with you are. 

When we are younger however there is often the striving for validation through our relationships, much learning from the relationships that have failed, whether a love relationship or the demise of a close relationship with a friend. The eBook "Suddenly Single" which as the title depicts is about finding oneself alone, no longer in a healthy relationship and coping with the loss, is a great little self-help book.  It gives us cause to reflect on how to become a more vibrant, healthy person in our own right, so as to attract friendships and relationships that serve and nourish us.

It is true, that in order to attract those types of relationships, there is work to do.  Mainly unpacking the baggage that has built up from past experiences.  In "Suddenly Single" there is a great analogy of cleaning up your emotional kitchen, which really helps the reader to understand the importance of looking at their own forms of communication, behaviours and thinking that keeps them stuck.  I am sure we have all realised (in hindsight)  we have taken 'baggage' and 'stories' from one relationship to another. 

As one reader said, "It is well presented wisdom, offering great ways to recycle the stuff of life. "

When any of us start something new, attempt to become different, desire to be more confident, become more real and resolve to let the past remain the past, life can often feel overwhelming.  However, it is also a time when we can forge ahead, becoming more real, more authentic, more genuine than we have ever known ourselves to be before.

  Life experiences are the stuff that enable us to become singularly superb!!

This eBook is available now on the Sassy Vibe web site.

There has to be something said for honest, direct and passionate advice on "How to do it LONGER, BETTER and HOTTER than ever.  I would hasten to add that enjoying sex, being an accommodating lover or just liking it hot and steamy is not a competition!

Did you know that women who love sex actually smell? It is not in a bad way either! When they are in a state of arousal, their body pumps come-and-get-me hormones called pheromones which speak to the male pheromones and then Mother Nature does the rest!

I recall being told that when a female moth wants to attract a male to mate with, she emits scents that males can perceive from long distances. But males also have scents that are attractive to females in varying degrees.

It is often good to be reminded that lots of men find curvy women way more attractive than the skinny girls that some females envy, because they find flesh extremely sexy and sensuous.

Did you realise the more weird the facial expressions during sex, the more passionate your partner is likely to be? Take all those peculiar looks as a compliment, as good sex is sloppy, sweaty and immensely unflattering! Usually we hyperventilate, frown, scream, show our tonsils and do a lot of scrunching up of faces in between gasps and moans.  It is normal!!

The answer is YES! Oral sex does feel better if the pubic hair is shaved off.  It allows for more-skin-to tongue contact without hair getting in the way.  The female is far more exposed to the male and as men are visually orientated, it is a big plus!

Did you know 53% of Australian women admit to having a "friend with benefits" or a "sex buddy" for regular but non-committed sex, at some stage in their lives?  Far from being frowned upon, lots of experts applaud it, saying it is a much safer option than a typical one night stand.

It seems it is incredibly rare to not have an orgasm girl-on-girl.  Yet it's incredibly common for straight women not to have one with their man!

Did you realise that the happier you are out of bed, the more likely you are to want to jump in it?

Accept that it is possible for your partner to truly love you and still not want to always have sex with you.

Don't expect spontaneous desire when it comes to having sex, accept you may need to create it.  It may take a wicked look, or it may take lots of kissing and stroking.  Do whatever it takes!

Now this is good!!  It is said that men fall IN love earlier than women and fall OUT of lover later - they're first in and last out!  Women are last in and first out - falling IN love later and falling OUT of love sooner.

It seems around 50 per cent of women and 75 per cent of men fantasize during sex with a partner. It is mainly at the beginning to increase arousal and at the end to tip us over into orgasm.

"Sorry honey I have a headache" should be "Yes please, I have a migraine"! A Chicago study shows migraine sufferers want sex more than people with other kinds of headaches.  The link between desire and migraines may be because they're both influenced by the brain chemical, serotonin.

Women over forty claim they're having the best sex of their lives and feel more adventurous in bed than they did in their twenties! And it is married women who are having the most fun.

Did you know that people who expect their partners to betray them, will usually do it first themselves!

Bet you didn't know.... Sex figures in only about 5 per cent of women's dreams, but when it does, it tends to be shocking and explicit!!

How is this? Speaking to a girlfriend this woman said "I spent most of my life faking orgasm whenever my partner had one because I thought they wouldn't want to be with me if I didn't.  Then one day I just got fed up.  I told my husband of two years that I'd been faking and was only able to have an orgasm through oral sex; he smiled and said, "I thought so".  Men  aren't  as stupid as you think!!

 

Footnote:   Much of this information was gleaned from More Hot Sex by Tracey Cox