Sassy Chat

These past weeks there have been many topics making the news from same sex relationships and civil unions, to the question "Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?" , as well as  the fact that World AIDS Day has come and gone and after 20 years of red ribbons and World AIDS Day awareness campaigns  in this country,  the 'safe sex' message is still being ignored, not to mention the ongoing debate regarding  sex workers and whether there is a place for them in society or not.

Phew! That is just to name a few. 

Same-Sex relationships

It has already been a source of amazement, to me,  that there are those who feel so strongly against same-sex relationships, who have never had anything to do directly with anyone gay.  Then again there are those who have grown up with a deep againstness, which has been conditioned over time from parents who have expressed immense indignation, and righteous statements about their beliefs of homosexuality being evil, wicked, immoral, depraved and many other words that would fill this page.

That type of conditioning even though it is baseless, is passed down from one generation to another.  Here is an ironic story,  I used to travel to and from school,  with a family of boys that were very crude and derogatory in their remarks about males that did not fit their idea of masculinity.  If anyone was unlucky enough to be obese, they were bullied and ridiculed by this family.  You were classed as a sissy  if you expressed anything by waving your hands around, and if you did not excel at sport, you were most definitely a 'retard'.

When the middle son grew up, his own family of boys carried on the tradition of hating gays.  The eldest son came with his mother, myself and my daughter to an educational evening, where a play put on by gay women and men, showed through song and dance how the HIV virus spread, about the importance of practising safe sex and how easy it was to contract Hep B.

Whilst waiting in the foyer to go in to the theatre to take our seats, this son came up and told his mother he had just been touched up by some gay who walked past him.  This was totally untrue - as yes, he was asked to point the person out- who just so happened to be 'straight'!  His idea to cause a sensation came from this imprint from his father ( in particular) whose againstness of homosexuality was extreme.

Moving on in time, the last time I ran into this family (three years ago), the youngest son had 'come out' and declared to his family he was gay.  The father went through a very painful and emotional time coming to terms with this reality and eventually the generational conditioning came tumbling down.  On his sons 21st birthday he admitted to realising that his youngest sons friends, both gay and straight, were the most amazing group of young people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting and that his son was a very respected, clever, articulate and loved person in this large group of people.  There was nothing debasing, or debauched about their love of life, their friendships, or their willingness to accept each other for who they were.

Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?

This week I received a thought provoking article extracted from the Grazia magazine asking the question whether or not fathers have the right to cut all ties with their child if a woman goes ahead with an unplanned pregnancy, especially if it is against their will.

Again there are two camps in response to the question, where two men had their say - fore and against.

The against response said that even though he was out of pocket more than $55,000 in 15 years of child support, what would be worse in his view was some kid rocking up at the door in say 16 years time with the question "Why did you abandon me?"  He said he would never want to have to explain that he walked away in order to protect his bank balance.

The affirmative response came from a man who agrees a woman has the right to have a baby, has the right to be smart, literate, financially successful and independent and if from that place she wishes to go ahead and have a child, then good on her.  However, if a woman chooses to go ahead and have a baby without a guys consent or knowledge, then hit him for upkeep of that child, then the father should have the right to clearly express his case and not be held liable for two decades of financial grief.

I have a story about that too. A girlfriend of mine had been going out with her brothers mate for about 12 months when they decided to call if off.  The guy took off overseas to get a fresh perspective on life and after 18 months returned. My girlfriends brother mentioned he was going to the airport to collect his mate, so my girlfriend said she wanted to go too.  As fate would have it, after a few drinks and welcome home cheer, the guy finished up staying the night with my girl friend.  Yep.  you guessed it, three months later she realised she was pregnant with his child.

What I never agreed with at the time, was that she did not tell him, and made a decision on her own to keep his child.  Then after the baby was born, about 12 months later, when reality set in, she went after him for maintenance.  She hounded the father of her child until he paid up and indeed, continued to pay up for the next 17 years.  

 Has no one ever heard of a condom??? Surely some self responsibility here would save years of agonising financial burden!

World AIDS Day

When I began my work with HIV/AIDS, I witnessed a marginalised group of people band together in the most extraordinary way and become carers of the sick, campaigners and educators of safe sex practises and show unconditional love for anyone that had been identified as HIV positive.  I had never before ever known or seen people in the community take steps to be there for others in such a powerful way. The educational messages they put together had far reaching effects in schools in the early 1990's as well as making a clear and loud statement about practising safe sex and the use of condoms and using clean needles.

Of course it was thought that this dreaded virus only affected gay people and drug addicts.  This was not true, as once blood banks realised that ordinary men, women and children were living with the virus through being haemophiliacs or having had unprotected sex with someone carrying the virus, then society sat up and began to take notice.

In Western Australia where I was based at the time, one of the biggest points to get across to a section of the community, was to the miners who worked away up North, three months on and one month off. Advocating the use condoms when having sex, usually fell on deaf ears, or at least when it came to putting the message into practise, it was brushed aside. 

When these single miners returned to Perth City , they usually found sexual relief with a sex worker. There were safety measures in place in this instance, as sex workers had received a lot of education and had been briefed to never have sex with clients without a condom.

This message was never easy to get across to those who travelled overseas though.  As one friend who worked in the mines and holidayed in Thailand use to point out. All caution was thrown to the wind when guys took off to Thailand for some well earned rest and recreation.  They were cashed up, would go to bars, be waited upon by skimpily clad Thai waitresses and behave in drunken, disrespectful ways, and then wander off to have sex, never giving any thought to their own safety. No wonder so many came back (even to this day) where months later they learned they had contracted the HIV virus.

Young people today may use a condom if having penetrative intercourse, but what about oral sex?  Given the numbers of young girls who find themselves with oral herpes, I draw the obvious conclusion that they are not insisting on condoms being worn when giving head.

Then there are those middle aged women who after years of marriage, bringing up children and being the perfect housewife, who decide to break out of what has become (perhaps) a mundane and sexless marriage to grab life by the balls and re-connect with their sexual self.  They embark on many dates, with many partners, cruises on ships, try internet dating and never, ever use condoms.  It becomes a game of Russian Roulette.  The point is, these women  were never brought up in an era where condoms were used as a normal part of protection of when indulging in sexual activity. With the advent of the pill, all that was ever thought about was not getting pregnant.  Sexual Infections never seemed as prevalent as they are today.

I personally know a woman who did just that, left a marriage and gave in to her new, previously untapped, sexual expression.  She had a ball. I asked her if she ever used condoms to which she replied "No".  She also said, that she had since had more than a few nightmares about  that fact and had gone and been tested and received the all clear.  I asked her why she had thought of having herself tested and she said she had received a call from a former lover whose voice was very sombre and grave when she answered the phone.  She said her heart sunk down to her toes, and her mind said "Here it comes, what sexual infection has he given me?"  As it turned out, that was not his message at all, but it was enough to scare the pants off her and to go have herself checked.

I asked if she would consider carrying condoms with her at all times now and into the future, to which she replied with a resounding, "You better believe it!".

It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it?

Felt a little like old times yesterday.   I spent a delightful World AIDS Day at Tweed Heads Hospital manning a table set up with lots of goodies to highlight and bring awareness to passers by that HIV and AIDS is still around.  Did you know that in NSW, there were more than 300 new cases of HIV diagnosed last year?  Right now there are more than 10,080 people living with HIV in NSW alone.

It has been 22 years since I began my work with the West Australian AIDS Council and things have certainly changed since those days.  With the advent of combination therapies, some dear friends from that time in my life, are still alive and well.  Whilst that is great news, the message still remains the same.  PRACTISE SAFE SEX ALWAYS!!!  World AIDS Day on the 1st December each year, serves as a reminder that Sexually Transmitted Infections are a reality and HIV is still affecting lives here in Australia, as well as overseas.  So condoms are a very practical and safe option to reduce the risks of infection and remain protected.

On that note, I want to share a story....

There is a real fun book available if you are in for a lazy weekend and happy to read about a 50 year old woman's sexual romps in the most desirable, romantic and idyllic getaways all over the globe.  The name of the book is Keep it in Yor Knickers

I have met the author in person, and was very cheeky and mentioned to her that after I devoured the book in 5 hours straight, I was left with a curious question... which was "Did you ever use condoms with those different sexual partners?"  her answer was "No". 

There are a few books out that highlight finding a new lease on life, where various aged women over 50 get it on with men and finally experience some extraordinary sex!!  Good on them.  May I say though, Safe Sex is not just for gay men and the young... it is for everyone, bi, gay, straight, young, old.  It is about taking measures of self responsibility and looking out for number one.  YOU!!!  Who really wants to play Russian Roulette with their life, by having fantastic sex, with various partners, before being dealt the the blow of being diagnosed with HIV or and STI?  Sure you could always be one of the lucky ones, but then again, how do you KNOW that?

So I guess it is a personal thing.  I can only strongly encourage you to play safe, I have seen first hand and worked for six years with aftermath of those left their personal safety out of the equation when it came to having unprotected sex.

I remember thinking yesterday, as I had different conversations with Sexual Health Officers, Administration staff, patients and clinical staff, that there was a common thread to each conversation and that was that it seems there is no longer the level of education and information being made available to those at risk in the community at large.  That is,  those attending secondary schools, as well as university.  The huge surge in oral STI's is an indicator that all is not as it should be, when it comes to the youth of today making fully informed decisions in experimenting or being involved in any type of sexual activity. 

I for one, can not see any immediate change, especially if schools are unable to give some real, authentic and practical information regarding the pros and cons of sexual activity, the use of condoms and HOW to implement the use of them especially for oral pleasure.  Being unable to advocate self pleasure and promoting that as a normal, natural and life enhancing undertaking.  Offering alternatives to young girls who are feeling the call of sexual awakening in promoting the use of appropriate intimate pleasure products, rather than the boy next door being the product of their pleasure. 

There will always be room for improvement in the sex education stakes that is for sure. Maybe my solutions are too radical, but they are definately a safer option!

I was watching television this evening and an advert came on that caught my attention. It was an ad for Poise. A woman sneezing, picking up a child and doing aerobics, the message being that if you have urinary incontinence or leaking then wear a Poise panty liner.

Well, That is one option, yet I couldn't help thinking... why not get to the source of the problem?  A weak pelvic floor muscle stems from using the incorrect muscles when lifting, poor toilet position especially straining the bowel, excessive exercising without correct pulling in and tightening of the pelvic muscles.  Many women tightening the waist muscles and ' suck in' , rather than finding their core balance and learning to squeeze and hold the pelvic floor muscle correctly.

There is a great book available called " Hold it Sister" written by Mary O'Dwyer, Physiotherapist and Pelvic Floor Coach. This book has illustrations which help you get a visual of what is required, as well as a chapter on exercise that will assist strenthening you pelvic floor muscles. Watch and listen to what she has to say about pelvic floor strength in the clip below.

 Often learning to exercise the correct muscles is aided by using a resistance device which is inserted into vagina.

 The Vaginal Barbell is a weighted barbell made of medical grade stainless steel which really helps with clenching exercises.  It ensures you are using the correct muscles.

 For busy women on the go, the Luna Beads from Lelo are a great options.  The set contain two lots of weighted balls, one lighter than the other.  As your pelvic strength increases then you can move to the heavier set.

There are also the Fun Factory Teneo Duo balls which are another set of pelvic floor exercisers to assist with developing good pelvic floor habits.

As with anything, the easiest way out is not always the healthiest.  In order to ensure pelvic floor health slipping on a Poise  pad is a band aid, and is not going to solve your problem.

Wouldn't you rather do Pelvic Floor Exercises and use a resistance device than wear a pad for the rest of your life? I know which option I'm choosing.

“ love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source”.
Anais Nin

Passion may fuel the initial stages of a new relationship and there are times it may not.  Although inevitably when we first meet, those early stages of romance are what intensifies our coming together.

Marriage has been passed down through the ages as an institution of commitment, comfort, security and family.  It is a serious business fraught with many diversions, with the realisation of finding oneself in a sexless marriage being one of them. Often times, women in particular feel the pull between keeping house, raising family, working and ensuring an intimate relationship with their partner.  Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, which is a little more than once a week.

Many articles have been written from the perspective of women whose libido wanes and how the male partner is left to fend for himself.  It has come to my attention in recent months that there are many women out there in relationships and marriages that have become sexually and emotionally stagnant, almost as if on some sort of auto pilot. What is also curious, is that it is the males in these relationships who are not up for it.  One could blame the sexless marriage on the significant other yet it may pay to try to identify the problem in order to find the solution. It's possible your partner may not be willing to work on solutions. That is a problem in itself. Your partner may not even feel there is a problem and is comfortable with things the way they are. The problems may lie within you and not the relationship itself. As hard as it may be to hear, it is worth taking a good look at your behaviour and communication patterns to see if they can be improved upon.

Whatever the reason, did you know that there are tens of thousands of marriages that come to an end because of the lack of sex?  So whether male or female the sexless marriage, takes its toll.

Women that I have discussed this subject with range in age from their mid thirties to early fifties.  All have found their inactive sex life leaves them feeling devoid at one level or another.  Many believe that that it is the prescriptive medication taking its toll on men (and women) these days, especially anti-depressants.  Because of the increase in this sort of prescriptive medicine it stands to reason that libido will disappear completely. Chemical overload has its consequences.  Of course there is also financial stress, work overload and many other contributing factors.  What is especially poignant though is where there is a communication break down, or family life over rides the communication channels and there is no longer any intimacy whatsoever, causing disconnection, and certainly no sex.

When asked are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships? Marcel Proust suggests that infidelity is a factor.  Not the act itself, but the threat of it.  For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit. But what if even the threat of infidelity no longer has impact?

Marriage is imperfect.  That is a fact. What starts off with a desire for oneness leads us to discovering our differences.  Often this is a cause for dissension. However the glue is most certainly communication. If we are honest, contrast and disparity has the ability to bring out our strengths, and can encourage us to grow in ways we never would have thought possible. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.

There is often the big illusion that in the case of committed love, we think our partner is ours and so sexual rejection from the one we love and are committed to is particularly hurtful.  What happens when we become best mates rather than lovers?  Is it OK to be a particularly attractive, sexual woman in your early fifty’s with a healthy libido to lie in bed each evening with a mate who does not see you that way?    It is upsetting.  The self doubt creeps in, the not feeling good enough, not sexy enough, is there something wrong with me, all debilitating self chatter. The emotional turmoil which is one of the worst things imaginable.

Sex is an integral part of the ‘whole’ it is required for health and balance in our lives, whether with our beloved or whether in the form of self pleasure. The emotional body holds a sense of self as a sexual, sensual being and the two have to intertwine in a healthy manner, otherwise what occurs are blockages, disease and dysfunction.  Remaining in a sexless marriage or relationship, without being able to turn it round, may not be a long term option.

There was a time when finding a partner was considered the final step in resolving our (women’s) identity. This is no longer a viewpoint maintained by mass consciousness so much.  Our partner’s separateness is incontrovertible, and their mystery will remain forever indecipherable. We are each our own individual self and within the confines of our relationship need to find who we are, for ourselves, not for anything or anyone else.  At the end of the day we can only be ourselves and find wholeness within ourselves. Others contribute to the journey but cannot complete and fulfill life for us. 

I have come across an interesting book with a title "Get Him in the Mood".  It states that you can choose to solve your sexless marriage or relationship from a position of strength, and this book details an empowerment process that women need to undergo which will make it so much easier to get the sex back into their marriage.

©copyright 2011 Marie-Elise Allen

Vulvodynia is a name given to chronic and intense pain in the area pertaining to the vulva. This pain consists of extreme sensitivity, burning, stinging, throbbing, irritation and rawness. Sadly, there are many women experience and put up with this condition for many years before it is finally diagnosed. It would seem that public awareness of this condition is limited, with many women living with Vulvodynia leading a life of discomfort and pain, limited daily activities, sexual dysfunction and psychological distress.  According to the amazing interview (shown below) originating from New Zealand, medical help that was sought in this interview did not lead to any further understanding.  It would appear there was/is very limited knowledge amongst health professionals and scanty information made available through various sectors of sexual health. Accordingly, it is not unusual for many women with this condition to consult several physicians before being diagnosed.

Vestibulitis Syndrome is a common form of Vulvodynia that has been described as one of the most common causes of genital and sexual pain in women. The vulvar vestibule is the area within the inner labia surrounding the vaginal opening.

Upon diagnosis of Vulvodynia, the painful tissue may look essentially normal under examination, or it may whiten when swabbed with a vinegar solution. Biopsy may show chronic, nonspecific inflammation. Whatever the initial cause, it seems possible that for some people pain pathways are activated that do not deactivate when the source of irritation has been removed or ameliorated.

Awareness of aspects of daily life that may be contributing to this condition have been known to reduce the severity of pain, such as taking precautions with clothing, wearing cotton underwear and loose fitting long pants.  It is possible that various foods may contribute to sensitivities, especially when stinging is apparent after urinating.  Washing the entire area of the vulva with water after urinating may help and it is paramount to avoid the use of scented soaps and toilet paper.  It is also clear that laundry powder can be problematic, as well the use of bubble bath, shaving gels and body washes, especially those containing high amounts of fragrance, glycols, parabens, alpha-hydroxy acids such as malic acid, glycolic acid and lactic acid as well as  alcohol.

Deactivating the pain pathways is possible using anaesthetic gels (lidocaine), topical steroid creams pain medications, even low doses of antidepressant (sometimes given with an antispasmodic) have all been used.

Dr Glazer, a Clinical Associate Professor at Cornell University Medical College/New York Presbyterian Hospital, has discovered that there is a relation to abnormal muscle function in the pelvic floor area that relates to Vulvodynia.  Through measuring the break down in muscle function with electromyography, which is non invasive, the depth of abnormality can be measured.  Then through a series of individual programs using electromyographic biofeedback, Dr Glazer corrects muscle abnormalities.

With increased blood flow there can be a restoration of vulvar tissue which then leads to pain relief.  Dr Glazer's treatments have resulted in massive reductions of ongoing pain in 80% of the women who have used this process finding relief from Vulvodynia.  A much better option possibly, than steroid creams, anti depressants and anaesthetic gels!

Take a look at this amazing interview. It is a powerful documentary because of the openness and honesty of the woman who is interviewed. Prepare to be moved and at the same time filled with admiration for a woman who has been to hell and back living with Vulvodynia. The shocking thing though in this documentary is that so many health professionals seemed to be ignorant to this condition.

http://tvnz.co.nz/20-20-news/v-word-13-19-video-4232132

Any comments and feedback would be appreciated.