Is your sex life in a rut? Do you want to try out something new, but are unsure of how to go about doing so? According to author Tracey Cox in her book, Secrets of A Supersexpert  you just have to start sending signals.
If you are boring or your life is boring and uninspiring, it is unlikely you would leap into bed with a wicked gleam in your eye and a cache of sex toys clutched in your hands isn't it?  You need to be excited by life and in turn be excited by your partner.  So move the mundane missionary to the kitchen bench, or the bathroom floor and become more ravishing. 

Did you know two in every thousand men can perform oral sex on themselves, that women have the highest libido during days 12-16 of their cycle, and having more sex pretty much guarantees less erection problems. Just a few things to bring up at your next dinner party...

Tracey also points out, that while being in a long-term relationship can lead to love, often times lust and attraction can fade over time. Which does not always fare well for your sex life.
Here are some ideas to help spice things up, direct from  the supersexpert herself.

1. Location, location, location. Try getting it on somewhere unusual, whether in the car, outside, or just on the bathroom floor. The most familiar touch in the world feels wicked when a hand sneaks under the tablecloth in a restaurant to snake its way up the thigh.

2. Introduce sex toys to break up your routine. For vibrators, choose a stronger one, as you can always place it on a lower setting. In addition, make sure to store your toys separately and keep them clean.
Remember, have fun. Today's sex toy market includes toys that pleasure both men and women via vibrating, licking, rotating, and more.

3. Masturbate in front of each other. Besides being an instant turn-on for him, it allows you both to see exactly what makes each other tick. Pay attention to how he masturbates to find out what he likes—stroke by stroke.

4. Try a threesome. Nevertheless, beware the emotional backfires of having a threesome, and always try to focus on your partner more than the other person.

5. Get over society's sexual norms and instead focus on what you and your partner enjoy. Compromise with each other. If he wants to watch porn together, but you find it appalling, try watching an adult film made specifically for women.

6. Remember communication is the glue, even after years of marriage. Expecting your partner to just know what you need or want is ludicrous, they can't just magically read your mind.

7.  Erotic moves? Try some light bondage, silk handcuffs, pleasure ties and  blindfolds.

8.  Try some oral sex of a different kind.  Phone your partner and have a "Would like it if I come home and....."

Oh, and no matter the situation, lube never hurts, in fact having the slip, slop and slide effect ensures comfort and helps with a marathon session.

And another thing. If you are on your own, there is no excuse.  Keep those eyes sparkling, the smile playing at the corner of your mouth and  ensure you give yourself the pleasure of at least three orgasms a week!

Prostate cancer is the second most common cancer in men (after skin cancer), with around 12,000 new cases diagnosed each year. Men’s overall risk of contracting prostate cancer before the age of 74 is 1 in 11.

There are 3 main treatments for prostate cancer; a surgical Radical Prostatectomy, pelvic brachytherapy (the implanting of radioactive seeds in the prostate), and hormone treatment that deprives the cancer of the testosterone that feeds its growth.

Prostate cancer treatment damages nerves and blood vessels, so getting aroused can take much longer, orgasm may feel different and ejaculation may be different or missing. It may affect the rigidity of erections, how long the erections last and the ability to get an erection in the first place.

Diagnosis alone can cause erection difficulties. 70-90% of men have erection problems for some time after treatment and 40-50% of survivors continue to have ED (erectile dysfunction) in the following years.

In addition, concerns about incontinence, fatigue, depression, the cancer recurring and a lack of sexual desire make sexuality a huge challenge for survivors and their partners.
Delving deeper than the obvious mechanical changes, research by Barbara Bokhour in 2001 identified 4 areas affected by erectile dysfunction that impact on quality of life.

The quality of sexual intimacy
Without reliable erections, men feel anxious about their ability to satisfy themselves and their partner sexually. They feel hesitant to initiate emotional and physical intimacy, as in the past this usually led to intercourse, now a potentially awkward and embarrassing experience. What was once comfortable and familiar can feel unnatural if they have to use artificial assistance to achieve erections.

Relationships with Women
Erectile dysfunction also affects the way in which men relate to women outside their intimate relationship. Where previously they would have been aware of the potential for sexual intimacy with women they met, that loss of potential now defines him and those interactions as non-sexual. Even though they might not have been actively pursuing a relationship, there had been a sexual undercurrent; the absence of that element in their everyday social interactions with women compounds a lack of confidence.

Sexual Imaginings

Part of being a man means being aroused by the sight of an attractive woman and fantasy is a part of most men’s everyday lives. There is a profound sense of loss that they can no longer imagine themselves as potential sexual partners and this is enhanced by a distressing lack of physical or emotional arousal. Many experience nostalgic feelings and a deep sense of loss over the demise of this small ordinary pleasure, even those who weren’t sexually active at the time of diagnosis. “It’s a capacity you’ve had all your life and then it’s gone.”

Masculinity
These changes undermine men’s masculine identities. The inability to connect with women sexually and the knowledge that they’ve lost their sexual capabilities leads to a diminished sense of oneself as a whole man. Sexuality is seen as a substantial part of what defines an individual as a man and men who have lost sexual functioning find themselves challenged to redefine themselves as masculine in our society. The ability to project self confidence depends on that underlying sexual capability.

As men have a tendency to do, many suffer these feelings in silence, not knowing how to talk to their wives or peers about it, and not seeking help from their doctors. Their wives feel bewildered and powerless; their husband’s have survived the disease but have withdrawn from them. They don’t want to pressure but mourn the loss of intimacy.

Orgasm is possible without an erection or an ejaculation, a fact often met with scepticism. For many men, an act without penetration and erection is not sex. Their partners say it’s not the lack of penetrative sex but the shutdown of sexual intimacy and sensual touch that they miss so much.
It is common to feel helpless but there are many avenues for assistance. Approach your doctor. They can give information about support groups or individual survivors who have experienced the same things.

The Cancer Council (at least in Victoria) can also refer you if you phone them. Seeing a sex therapist can help you reconnect with your partner to rediscover sexuality and intimacy. This can be a golden opportunity for couples to work together toward a much better sex life for both of them.

As always, wishing you happiness and great sex

Lynda Carlyle RN, MHSc (Sexual Health)

Ripponlea Medical Centre
100 Brighton Road, Ripponlea, Vic, 3185
Ph (03) 9525 6200

This is when we call on our FWB. Friend With Benefits. This is someone that you have an unspoken understanding with. Someone that can be called, as they can call you, at any time, night or day. Then rendezvous as soon as possible to relieve the sexual tension that one, or both of you, is feeling.
There is no obligation for the callee to be available, and the caller does not feel rejected, they know this is not a good time and will try again next time there is the urge.

Usually both parties are in a similar situation. No ties, no relationship and readily available for use of the other. No strings, no emotions, just sex. In general very good sex. The holding of hair, pushing the boundaries, all over the house type sex. The sex you have at the beginning of a relationship before it morphs into love making and becomes more sensual and intimate as a loving relationship.

However, as there is no relationship this sex is always like first sex. The raw sex. The ‘satisfying of frustrations’ type of sex.

Many single people have a FWB, and from my experience many in relationships do too. But are we….those of us in this situation, sabotaging our chance at a real relationship whilst we are conducting this non relationship? Are we really available and wanting if we have the physical on tap?

I think so. From one who has always had the ability to separate the physical and emotional, I believe that you can be emotionally available whilst combating the physical need on another level.

But can a FWB ever become more? This I don’t think is a realistic possibility. Because of the nature of the FWB relationship you put an emotional hold on your feelings for this friendship. Usually for your own protection as it was never something that would be anything more. Therefore opening that vault can be dangerous if not impossible. For one thing it is tightly closed and for another you do not have the combination to unlock it.  Also, an emotional relationship is better to start that way, with all doors open so honesty and sincerity make for a truthful communication.

One thing I can be sure of is that these friendships can morph in the other direction and become just that. Friendships. My FWB is now my Friend. I no longer need him for the physical benefits, but we now hang out, discuss each others relationships and enjoy each others company fully clothed. I think this is because I am now making myself both emotionally and physically available for that someone special.

Until then it’s sassiness all the way.

Pepper Goldsmith.

I was reading this week a question that was sent in to The Courier Mail where a (presumably young) woman was asking about the merits of Brazillian Waxing. Karen Nixon (a Brisbane Psychologist) gave an interesting answer. She explained that each women has her own pheromones or individual smell and that removal of the hair reduces the smell.  In our culture most people remove body hair at least on legs and underarms.  She also stated that the tendency to remove public hair was "because deep down we'd rather not grow up".

I wonder - yes, there may be the "little girl eroticism" and others may be a "slave to fashion" yet there may be a practical side to this issue.  A well kept pubic area can mean a nicely trimmed, pleasing area as opposed to an unruly bush!  Believe me, there are self-assured men who delight in the care taken by their lovers with this part of the body including those that remove their own pubic body hair.  It can be a turn on!

Whether it is about a better appearance, feeling sexier, feeling more hygienic or succumbing to peer pressure ( as may have the case above) there is no doubt that in this warmer country females are more prone to tidy up the pubic area if they do not go for the Brazillian.  Why? Maybe we can put it down to our long hot summers and the bathers we are in most of the year round. 

Then again there is another reason....

 When was the last time you enjoyed a good bout of oral sex with your partner?

Straight men and anal stimulation is one that does seem to be slowly being admitted to more freely. The stimulation of the prostate, during intercourse, oral sex and orgasm can help a man to experience a far stronger, more intense and longer lasting climax than ever before. And guess what? It doesn’t turn you gay! Ha Ha. Come on boys, do you really still think that way?

Bondage, in it’s stronger sense is another subject coming slowly out of the closet. Although still frowned upon by many missionary miseries, this section of the population is well catered for. From those just wanting to be enslaved, right through to the far more controversial S and M, which itself takes on many forms.  There are clubs, equipment and chat rooms galore. Nowadays a pair of fluffy handcuffs at home, and telling your friends you let your partner tie you to the bed is as harmless to your reputation as being an upstanding member of the community.

Swingers clubs! Well if you haven’t been yourself, I guarantee you know some one who has….even if you don’t know that they have.   The may range from meetings held in private homes, to regular parties with regular attendees, to some very elaborate, beautifully tasteful, well run establishments catering for couples who want to try it all out.

It may not be your thing…I believe monogamy is still quite popular….but many couples are expanding their horizons, fulfilling fantasies and many a time reactivating a tired and dull relationship. There are those that go along to merely watch, some to be watched as a couple and who never actually interact with others.  Obviously many go for the experience, the thrill, the excitement. Any which way it is being done, it is by fully consenting adults in what are usually, clean, hygienic and well catered for settings with no harm or effect on those who wish not to partake. Swing away!

Anal intercourse! Yes I said it. Why do those two words seem to make both men and women become rosy cheeked and instantly deny all interest?

 Men, we women know, will attempt the back door entry at any possible opportunity. What really bothers me though is the lack of manners here. To discuss and ask for permission would be nice. When you have only talked to a person on their front step, you don’t just pop round the back and enter via the rear, do you? You wait until they either suggest that this would be OK or you ask if next time you may. Another thing, if you are caught attempting entry round the back of a property, do you really think anyone will believe it when you say “sorry, mistake”. Not in a million years sonny Jim. We are not stupid, we know what you’re up to.

Women, on the other hand, generally just state point blank, that they do not do that, (when talking to their girlfriends anyway). Some of you must be doing it as plenty of these men have actually experienced it, manners or not! Why, I wonder is it considered so ‘dirty’? The tightness of the colon offers wonderful stimulation for both men and women, and it can be one of the most intimate couplings due to the care needed and time taken. Is it the mess? Invariably there is none, and with planning there are steps that can be taken to ensure no mess at all. Of course lubricant is a must in this situation and the one golden rule NEVER to be disobeyed is no double dipping! Any item, or body part entered into the anus should never be then entered into the vagina until cleaned or condom changed. This can cause all sorts of infections and complications.

Having said all this, I believe anal sex is still one of the most taboo subjects I have come across. Just remember….if you like doing it, what ever it is, there are 100’s more that do too, even if they are not sassy enough to admit to it.

Pepper Goldsmith