Sassy Chat

These past weeks there have been many topics making the news from same sex relationships and civil unions, to the question "Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?" , as well as  the fact that World AIDS Day has come and gone and after 20 years of red ribbons and World AIDS Day awareness campaigns  in this country,  the 'safe sex' message is still being ignored, not to mention the ongoing debate regarding  sex workers and whether there is a place for them in society or not.

Phew! That is just to name a few. 

Same-Sex relationships

It has already been a source of amazement, to me,  that there are those who feel so strongly against same-sex relationships, who have never had anything to do directly with anyone gay.  Then again there are those who have grown up with a deep againstness, which has been conditioned over time from parents who have expressed immense indignation, and righteous statements about their beliefs of homosexuality being evil, wicked, immoral, depraved and many other words that would fill this page.

That type of conditioning even though it is baseless, is passed down from one generation to another.  Here is an ironic story,  I used to travel to and from school,  with a family of boys that were very crude and derogatory in their remarks about males that did not fit their idea of masculinity.  If anyone was unlucky enough to be obese, they were bullied and ridiculed by this family.  You were classed as a sissy  if you expressed anything by waving your hands around, and if you did not excel at sport, you were most definitely a 'retard'.

When the middle son grew up, his own family of boys carried on the tradition of hating gays.  The eldest son came with his mother, myself and my daughter to an educational evening, where a play put on by gay women and men, showed through song and dance how the HIV virus spread, about the importance of practising safe sex and how easy it was to contract Hep B.

Whilst waiting in the foyer to go in to the theatre to take our seats, this son came up and told his mother he had just been touched up by some gay who walked past him.  This was totally untrue - as yes, he was asked to point the person out- who just so happened to be 'straight'!  His idea to cause a sensation came from this imprint from his father ( in particular) whose againstness of homosexuality was extreme.

Moving on in time, the last time I ran into this family (three years ago), the youngest son had 'come out' and declared to his family he was gay.  The father went through a very painful and emotional time coming to terms with this reality and eventually the generational conditioning came tumbling down.  On his sons 21st birthday he admitted to realising that his youngest sons friends, both gay and straight, were the most amazing group of young people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting and that his son was a very respected, clever, articulate and loved person in this large group of people.  There was nothing debasing, or debauched about their love of life, their friendships, or their willingness to accept each other for who they were.

Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?

This week I received a thought provoking article extracted from the Grazia magazine asking the question whether or not fathers have the right to cut all ties with their child if a woman goes ahead with an unplanned pregnancy, especially if it is against their will.

Again there are two camps in response to the question, where two men had their say - fore and against.

The against response said that even though he was out of pocket more than $55,000 in 15 years of child support, what would be worse in his view was some kid rocking up at the door in say 16 years time with the question "Why did you abandon me?"  He said he would never want to have to explain that he walked away in order to protect his bank balance.

The affirmative response came from a man who agrees a woman has the right to have a baby, has the right to be smart, literate, financially successful and independent and if from that place she wishes to go ahead and have a child, then good on her.  However, if a woman chooses to go ahead and have a baby without a guys consent or knowledge, then hit him for upkeep of that child, then the father should have the right to clearly express his case and not be held liable for two decades of financial grief.

I have a story about that too. A girlfriend of mine had been going out with her brothers mate for about 12 months when they decided to call if off.  The guy took off overseas to get a fresh perspective on life and after 18 months returned. My girlfriends brother mentioned he was going to the airport to collect his mate, so my girlfriend said she wanted to go too.  As fate would have it, after a few drinks and welcome home cheer, the guy finished up staying the night with my girl friend.  Yep.  you guessed it, three months later she realised she was pregnant with his child.

What I never agreed with at the time, was that she did not tell him, and made a decision on her own to keep his child.  Then after the baby was born, about 12 months later, when reality set in, she went after him for maintenance.  She hounded the father of her child until he paid up and indeed, continued to pay up for the next 17 years.  

 Has no one ever heard of a condom??? Surely some self responsibility here would save years of agonising financial burden!

World AIDS Day

When I began my work with HIV/AIDS, I witnessed a marginalised group of people band together in the most extraordinary way and become carers of the sick, campaigners and educators of safe sex practises and show unconditional love for anyone that had been identified as HIV positive.  I had never before ever known or seen people in the community take steps to be there for others in such a powerful way. The educational messages they put together had far reaching effects in schools in the early 1990's as well as making a clear and loud statement about practising safe sex and the use of condoms and using clean needles.

Of course it was thought that this dreaded virus only affected gay people and drug addicts.  This was not true, as once blood banks realised that ordinary men, women and children were living with the virus through being haemophiliacs or having had unprotected sex with someone carrying the virus, then society sat up and began to take notice.

In Western Australia where I was based at the time, one of the biggest points to get across to a section of the community, was to the miners who worked away up North, three months on and one month off. Advocating the use condoms when having sex, usually fell on deaf ears, or at least when it came to putting the message into practise, it was brushed aside. 

When these single miners returned to Perth City , they usually found sexual relief with a sex worker. There were safety measures in place in this instance, as sex workers had received a lot of education and had been briefed to never have sex with clients without a condom.

This message was never easy to get across to those who travelled overseas though.  As one friend who worked in the mines and holidayed in Thailand use to point out. All caution was thrown to the wind when guys took off to Thailand for some well earned rest and recreation.  They were cashed up, would go to bars, be waited upon by skimpily clad Thai waitresses and behave in drunken, disrespectful ways, and then wander off to have sex, never giving any thought to their own safety. No wonder so many came back (even to this day) where months later they learned they had contracted the HIV virus.

Young people today may use a condom if having penetrative intercourse, but what about oral sex?  Given the numbers of young girls who find themselves with oral herpes, I draw the obvious conclusion that they are not insisting on condoms being worn when giving head.

Then there are those middle aged women who after years of marriage, bringing up children and being the perfect housewife, who decide to break out of what has become (perhaps) a mundane and sexless marriage to grab life by the balls and re-connect with their sexual self.  They embark on many dates, with many partners, cruises on ships, try internet dating and never, ever use condoms.  It becomes a game of Russian Roulette.  The point is, these women  were never brought up in an era where condoms were used as a normal part of protection of when indulging in sexual activity. With the advent of the pill, all that was ever thought about was not getting pregnant.  Sexual Infections never seemed as prevalent as they are today.

I personally know a woman who did just that, left a marriage and gave in to her new, previously untapped, sexual expression.  She had a ball. I asked her if she ever used condoms to which she replied "No".  She also said, that she had since had more than a few nightmares about  that fact and had gone and been tested and received the all clear.  I asked her why she had thought of having herself tested and she said she had received a call from a former lover whose voice was very sombre and grave when she answered the phone.  She said her heart sunk down to her toes, and her mind said "Here it comes, what sexual infection has he given me?"  As it turned out, that was not his message at all, but it was enough to scare the pants off her and to go have herself checked.

I asked if she would consider carrying condoms with her at all times now and into the future, to which she replied with a resounding, "You better believe it!".

It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it?

Felt a little like old times yesterday.   I spent a delightful World AIDS Day at Tweed Heads Hospital manning a table set up with lots of goodies to highlight and bring awareness to passers by that HIV and AIDS is still around.  Did you know that in NSW, there were more than 300 new cases of HIV diagnosed last year?  Right now there are more than 10,080 people living with HIV in NSW alone.

It has been 22 years since I began my work with the West Australian AIDS Council and things have certainly changed since those days.  With the advent of combination therapies, some dear friends from that time in my life, are still alive and well.  Whilst that is great news, the message still remains the same.  PRACTISE SAFE SEX ALWAYS!!!  World AIDS Day on the 1st December each year, serves as a reminder that Sexually Transmitted Infections are a reality and HIV is still affecting lives here in Australia, as well as overseas.  So condoms are a very practical and safe option to reduce the risks of infection and remain protected.

On that note, I want to share a story....

There is a real fun book available if you are in for a lazy weekend and happy to read about a 50 year old woman's sexual romps in the most desirable, romantic and idyllic getaways all over the globe.  The name of the book is Keep it in Yor Knickers

I have met the author in person, and was very cheeky and mentioned to her that after I devoured the book in 5 hours straight, I was left with a curious question... which was "Did you ever use condoms with those different sexual partners?"  her answer was "No". 

There are a few books out that highlight finding a new lease on life, where various aged women over 50 get it on with men and finally experience some extraordinary sex!!  Good on them.  May I say though, Safe Sex is not just for gay men and the young... it is for everyone, bi, gay, straight, young, old.  It is about taking measures of self responsibility and looking out for number one.  YOU!!!  Who really wants to play Russian Roulette with their life, by having fantastic sex, with various partners, before being dealt the the blow of being diagnosed with HIV or and STI?  Sure you could always be one of the lucky ones, but then again, how do you KNOW that?

So I guess it is a personal thing.  I can only strongly encourage you to play safe, I have seen first hand and worked for six years with aftermath of those left their personal safety out of the equation when it came to having unprotected sex.

I remember thinking yesterday, as I had different conversations with Sexual Health Officers, Administration staff, patients and clinical staff, that there was a common thread to each conversation and that was that it seems there is no longer the level of education and information being made available to those at risk in the community at large.  That is,  those attending secondary schools, as well as university.  The huge surge in oral STI's is an indicator that all is not as it should be, when it comes to the youth of today making fully informed decisions in experimenting or being involved in any type of sexual activity. 

I for one, can not see any immediate change, especially if schools are unable to give some real, authentic and practical information regarding the pros and cons of sexual activity, the use of condoms and HOW to implement the use of them especially for oral pleasure.  Being unable to advocate self pleasure and promoting that as a normal, natural and life enhancing undertaking.  Offering alternatives to young girls who are feeling the call of sexual awakening in promoting the use of appropriate intimate pleasure products, rather than the boy next door being the product of their pleasure. 

There will always be room for improvement in the sex education stakes that is for sure. Maybe my solutions are too radical, but they are definately a safer option!

After receiving a link to a documentary on "My Penis and Everyone Else's", I really have to share.  When I saw this at first, as I clicked open the video, I thought I would only watch the first five minutes and see what it was about.  I finished up watching the entire hour!!!

 It was funny, hilarious at times, it was also rather sobering and indeed very thought provoking.  I had no idea men were so hung up about their penis!!  This documentary is indeed an emotional, revealing and engaging journey, that had me rivetted from the outset.  I strongly recommend EVERYONE to watch it.

 I have to say that the guy who hosted the whole documentary has balls!!  What an amazing character to do what he did in trying to draw men out of their fears and comfort zone and be so up front about the size of his penis, which was..... well.... watch the video and find out!  It would be fair to say that my view of men and their penis is forever changed!!

 The most read blog on this site is my reaction to the documentary "The Perfect Vagina".  I have found the documentary still available to watch, so put your feet up and watch this..

I would like to add,this documentary is about cosmetic surgery, about not being happy with your lot, believing youself to be 'abnormal down there'.

Surgery may restore self-esteem and your labia may look like the magazines (which after airbrushing and photo shopping aren't real anyway), but you will have lost your uniqueness.

However, I do realise there are medical reasons for having this type of surgery which I fully support. Discomfort during intercourse, discomfort wearing clothing and with some sporting activities. Labioplasty is done for two reasons: medical reasons and aesthetic or beautification reasons.

At the end of the day your body is yours and no one elses.  Whilst I personally am not an advocate of "oh this looks like shit, cut it off and make me look better", at the end of the day it is only my opinion.

I would hasten to add though, should any reader be contemplating this type of surgery, do your research, question everything, get a second opinion and remember altering anything on the outside does not change who you are on the inside.

Take a look at this video which shows another side to this dilemma of not liking your vulva.  They love the result of what this guy does though.  Excellent viewing!

Having a sex life is not compulsory! The point is though, it is life enhancing.

If you both feel happy not to continue with your sex life, that is fine, there are plenty of effective ways to still feel and know love intimately with your partner.  But equally, if you are a couple that have an enjoyable sex life then go for it.  Sex is not just for the young and beautiful, ( or is that The Bold and the Beautiful?), it is for all of us as we grow older and head into the latter years.

There is still a stereotype that people aged over a certain age sit around in lazy-boy chairs and need a cane to get around.  This is simply not true. Those working in Aged Care would be able to tell you different!! And why is it that most sexual information on anyone over 70 is all about their sexual problems rather than their sexual satisfaction?

Those of us in our sixties today grew up in a more sexually liberated time, we were the love generation, the flower children.  We were the ones that set about liberating all things sexual and were advocates of 'free love' and 'making love not war'.  Wouldn't you know it, we are now heading towards the seventh decade of life on the planet.

I am so glad to have friends in their seventies that lead active sex lives and flourish because of it. Thank goodness for the studies that claim frequent love making is life enhancing, and that those who experience exquisite sexual interaction have not only great health, but actually appear to be younger looking than their age would otherwise have you think.  I would also go as far to say that most 'elderly' people I know personally,  consider sexual activity and subsequent associated feelings a natural part of their life. Good to know!

Sex although an important and positive part of our lives, is certainly not all about penetrative sex as there are other types of sexual activity which might be favoured by couples and older people. We all have our own sexual appetite and rhythm and as the decades pass our libido changes not only sexually but emotionally as well. Our commitment to communicating with our significant other and maintaining intimacy is what moulds the sacredness of any relationship and enables us to dovetail sexually in harmony.

Sex is  believed to be an elixir for longevity.  As I have explained in other writings orgasm releases oxytocins.  Often dubbed as the love hormone, oxytocin triggers energy, relaxation and fulfilment.
During sex the brain produces and releases serotonin as well as dopamine.  These are known as the euphoria chemicals which is what gives you the feeling of immense pleasure.  That pleasure, in turn, liberates the hormone, endorphin.  There you have it.  This impressive line up of natural chemicals and hormones along with the stimulation of the heart rate, the pumping of the lungs has you burning calories and, well... is it any wonder sexual activity reinvigorates your entire body, not to mention your taste for life.  Carpe Diem!