Sassy Chat

 

Felt a little like old times yesterday.   I spent a delightful World AIDS Day at Tweed Heads Hospital manning a table set up with lots of goodies to highlight and bring awareness to passers by that HIV and AIDS is still around.  Did you know that in NSW, there were more than 300 new cases of HIV diagnosed last year?  Right now there are more than 10,080 people living with HIV in NSW alone.

It has been 22 years since I began my work with the West Australian AIDS Council and things have certainly changed since those days.  With the advent of combination therapies, some dear friends from that time in my life, are still alive and well.  Whilst that is great news, the message still remains the same.  PRACTISE SAFE SEX ALWAYS!!!  World AIDS Day on the 1st December each year, serves as a reminder that Sexually Transmitted Infections are a reality and HIV is still affecting lives here in Australia, as well as overseas.  So condoms are a very practical and safe option to reduce the risks of infection and remain protected.

On that note, I want to share a story....

There is a real fun book available if you are in for a lazy weekend and happy to read about a 50 year old woman's sexual romps in the most desirable, romantic and idyllic getaways all over the globe.  The name of the book is Keep it in Yor Knickers

I have met the author in person, and was very cheeky and mentioned to her that after I devoured the book in 5 hours straight, I was left with a curious question... which was "Did you ever use condoms with those different sexual partners?"  her answer was "No". 

There are a few books out that highlight finding a new lease on life, where various aged women over 50 get it on with men and finally experience some extraordinary sex!!  Good on them.  May I say though, Safe Sex is not just for gay men and the young... it is for everyone, bi, gay, straight, young, old.  It is about taking measures of self responsibility and looking out for number one.  YOU!!!  Who really wants to play Russian Roulette with their life, by having fantastic sex, with various partners, before being dealt the the blow of being diagnosed with HIV or and STI?  Sure you could always be one of the lucky ones, but then again, how do you KNOW that?

So I guess it is a personal thing.  I can only strongly encourage you to play safe, I have seen first hand and worked for six years with aftermath of those left their personal safety out of the equation when it came to having unprotected sex.

I remember thinking yesterday, as I had different conversations with Sexual Health Officers, Administration staff, patients and clinical staff, that there was a common thread to each conversation and that was that it seems there is no longer the level of education and information being made available to those at risk in the community at large.  That is,  those attending secondary schools, as well as university.  The huge surge in oral STI's is an indicator that all is not as it should be, when it comes to the youth of today making fully informed decisions in experimenting or being involved in any type of sexual activity. 

I for one, can not see any immediate change, especially if schools are unable to give some real, authentic and practical information regarding the pros and cons of sexual activity, the use of condoms and HOW to implement the use of them especially for oral pleasure.  Being unable to advocate self pleasure and promoting that as a normal, natural and life enhancing undertaking.  Offering alternatives to young girls who are feeling the call of sexual awakening in promoting the use of appropriate intimate pleasure products, rather than the boy next door being the product of their pleasure. 

There will always be room for improvement in the sex education stakes that is for sure. Maybe my solutions are too radical, but they are definately a safer option!

 

 

 

 

 The most read blog on this site is my reaction to the documentary "The Perfect Vagina".  I have found the documentary still available to watch, so put your feet up and watch this..

I would like to add,this documentary is about cosmetic surgery, about not being happy with your lot, believing youself to be 'abnormal down there'.

Surgery may restore self-esteem and your labia may look like the magazines (which after airbrushing and photo shopping aren't real anyway), but you will have lost your uniqueness.

However, I do realise there are medical reasons for having this type of surgery which I fully support. Discomfort during intercourse, discomfort wearing clothing and with some sporting activities. Labioplasty is done for two reasons: medical reasons and aesthetic or beautification reasons.

At the end of the day your body is yours and no one elses.  Whilst I personally am not an advocate of "oh this looks like shit, cut it off and make me look better", at the end of the day it is only my opinion.

I would hasten to add though, should any reader be contemplating this type of surgery, do your research, question everything, get a second opinion and remember altering anything on the outside does not change who you are on the inside.

Take a look at this video which shows another side to this dilemma of not liking your vulva.  They love the result of what this guy does though.  Excellent viewing!

 

 

I was watching television this evening and an advert came on that caught my attention. It was an ad for Poise. A woman sneezing, picking up a child and doing aerobics, the message being that if you have urinary incontinence or leaking then wear a Poise panty liner.

Well, That is one option, yet I couldn't help thinking... why not get to the source of the problem?  A weak pelvic floor muscle stems from using the incorrect muscles when lifting, poor toilet position especially straining the bowel, excessive exercising without correct pulling in and tightening of the pelvic muscles.  Many women tightening the waist muscles and ' suck in' , rather than finding their core balance and learning to squeeze and hold the pelvic floor muscle correctly.

There is a great book available called " Hold it Sister" written by Mary O'Dwyer, Physiotherapist and Pelvic Floor Coach. This book has illustrations which help you get a visual of what is required, as well as a chapter on exercise that will assist strenthening you pelvic floor muscles. Watch and listen to what she has to say about pelvic floor strength in the clip below.

 Often learning to exercise the correct muscles is aided by using a resistance device which is inserted into vagina.

 The Vaginal Barbell is a weighted barbell made of medical grade stainless steel which really helps with clenching exercises.  It ensures you are using the correct muscles.

 For busy women on the go, the Luna Beads from Lelo are a great options.  The set contain two lots of weighted balls, one lighter than the other.  As your pelvic strength increases then you can move to the heavier set.

There are also the Fun Factory Teneo Duo balls which are another set of pelvic floor exercisers to assist with developing good pelvic floor habits.

As with anything, the easiest way out is not always the healthiest.  In order to ensure pelvic floor health slipping on a Poise  pad is a band aid, and is not going to solve your problem.

Wouldn't you rather do Pelvic Floor Exercises and use a resistance device than wear a pad for the rest of your life? I know which option I'm choosing.

 

“ love never dies a natural death.  It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source”.
Anais Nin

Passion may fuel the initial stages of a new relationship and there are times it may not.  Although inevitably when we first meet, those early stages of romance are what intensifies our coming together.

Marriage has been passed down through the ages as an institution of commitment, comfort, security and family.  It is a serious business fraught with many diversions, with the realisation of finding oneself in a sexless marriage being one of them. Often times, women in particular feel the pull between keeping house, raising family, working and ensuring an intimate relationship with their partner.  Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, which is a little more than once a week.

Many articles have been written from the perspective of women whose libido wanes and how the male partner is left to fend for himself.  It has come to my attention in recent months that there are many women out there in relationships and marriages that have become sexually and emotionally stagnant, almost as if on some sort of auto pilot. What is also curious, is that it is the males in these relationships who are not up for it.  One could blame the sexless marriage on the significant other yet it may pay to try to identify the problem in order to find the solution. It's possible your partner may not be willing to work on solutions. That is a problem in itself. Your partner may not even feel there is a problem and is comfortable with things the way they are. The problems may lie within you and not the relationship itself. As hard as it may be to hear, it is worth taking a good look at your behaviour and communication patterns to see if they can be improved upon.

Whatever the reason, did you know that there are tens of thousands of marriages that come to an end because of the lack of sex?  So whether male or female the sexless marriage, takes its toll.

Women that I have discussed this subject with range in age from their mid thirties to early fifties.  All have found their inactive sex life leaves them feeling devoid at one level or another.  Many believe that that it is the prescriptive medication taking its toll on men (and women) these days, especially anti-depressants.  Because of the increase in this sort of prescriptive medicine it stands to reason that libido will disappear completely. Chemical overload has its consequences.  Of course there is also financial stress, work overload and many other contributing factors.  What is especially poignant though is where there is a communication break down, or family life over rides the communication channels and there is no longer any intimacy whatsoever, causing disconnection, and certainly no sex.

When asked are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships? Marcel Proust suggests that infidelity is a factor.  Not the act itself, but the threat of it.  For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit. But what if even the threat of infidelity no longer has impact?

Marriage is imperfect.  That is a fact. What starts off with a desire for oneness leads us to discovering our differences.  Often this is a cause for dissension. However the glue is most certainly communication. If we are honest, contrast and disparity has the ability to bring out our strengths, and can encourage us to grow in ways we never would have thought possible. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.

There is often the big illusion that in the case of committed love, we think our partner is ours and so sexual rejection from the one we love and are committed to is particularly hurtful.  What happens when we become best mates rather than lovers?  Is it OK to be a particularly attractive, sexual woman in your early fifty’s with a healthy libido to lie in bed each evening with a mate who does not see you that way?    It is upsetting.  The self doubt creeps in, the not feeling good enough, not sexy enough, is there something wrong with me, all debilitating self chatter. The emotional turmoil which is one of the worst things imaginable.

Sex is an integral part of the ‘whole’ it is required for health and balance in our lives, whether with our beloved or whether in the form of self pleasure. The emotional body holds a sense of self as a sexual, sensual being and the two have to intertwine in a healthy manner, otherwise what occurs are blockages, disease and dysfunction.  Remaining in a sexless marriage or relationship, without being able to turn it round, may not be a long term option.

There was a time when finding a partner was considered the final step in resolving our (women’s) identity. This is no longer a viewpoint maintained by mass consciousness so much.  Our partner’s separateness is incontrovertible, and their mystery will remain forever indecipherable. We are each our own individual self and within the confines of our relationship need to find who we are, for ourselves, not for anything or anyone else.  At the end of the day we can only be ourselves and find wholeness within ourselves. Others contribute to the journey but cannot complete and fulfill life for us. 

I have come across an interesting book with a title "Get Him in the Mood".  It states that you can choose to solve your sexless marriage or relationship from a position of strength, and this book details an empowerment process that women need to undergo which will make it so much easier to get the sex back into their marriage.

©copyright 2011 Marie-Elise Allen

 

What is Vaginismus?

Vaginismus is sexual dysfunction experienced by women where there is an involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina. This involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles causes makes any type of vaginal penetration including sexual intercourse very difficult or completely impossible and occurs at the anticipation of vaginal penetration or the perception that intercourse is going to be difficult or painful.

Vaginismus is the most common reason for relationships remaining unconsummated due to the introitus, or entrance to the vagina clamping shut completely.  Some women with Vaginismus are unable to insert tampons, tolerate a pelvic exam or any type of penetration to the vagina.

Sexual arousal is possible when a woman has Vaginismus, however when penetration is attempted, the vagina clenches and shuts making sex difficult or impossible.  This can add to the frustration women feel when they are suffering from Vaginismus.

There are two types of Vaginismus:

• Primary –where a woman has never had successful intercourse, either from pain or inability to have penetration. Woman who have Primary Vaginismus may not even be aware they have it until they try to have penetrative sex, insert tampons or have their first pelvic exam.
• Secondary-where a woman has previously had successful intercourse and penetration but is currently unable to.

How common is Vaginismus?

Statistics on Vaginismus vary, probably because many cases go unreported due to embarrassment of the women. Currently sex therapists report between 5-47% of women who seek sex therapy are diagnosed with Vaginismus.

What are the symptoms of Vaginismus?

Aside from the involuntary pelvic floor contractions that make penetration difficult to impossible, symptoms of Vaginismus can vary between women. Other symptoms can include:

• Burning or stinging during intercourse.
• Painful intercourse. This usually results in the woman having to stop sex before completion.
• Unconsummated relationship.
• Avoidance of sex
• Difficulty or inability to insert tampons.
• Difficulty or inability to undergo a pelvic exam.
• Pain with sexual intercourse that has no known origin.

 

How is Vaginismus diagnosed?

Vaginismus is usually diagnosed by a gynaecologist when a woman goes in for a pelvic exam. Sometimes she goes for the exam because she is experiencing problems having sex and sometimes she is just going in for a routine or first pap smear and exam. During the exam the vagina clamps down and makes completion of the exam impossible. Some women are so anxious during the exam they shut their legs and become very emotional further making performing the exam difficult for the doctor.

What are the causes of Vaginismus?

There are three categories for the causes of Vaginismus, physical, psychological and a combination of both physical and psychological.

Physical causes of Vaginismus can include:

• Childbirth-pain or complications from difficult vaginal deliveries, c-sections or miscarriages.
• Urinary tract infections or other urinary problems.
• Yeast infections.
• Vaginal prolapse.
• Cysts or tumors on reproductive organs.
• Pelvic inflammatory disease.
• Sexually transmitted diseases.
• Age related changes such as menopause, hormonal changes, atrophy of the vagina, and vaginal dryness.
• Pelvic surgery or trauma.
• Lack of foreplay/not enough vaginal lubrication.

Psychological causes of Vaginismus can include:

• Partner of relationship issues/
• Fear. Fear of intercourse and anticipation of pain, getting pregnant, of tissue damage.
• Anxiety. Performance anxiety, past unpleasant sexual experiences.
• Unhealthy sexual emotions or feelings of guilt and shame about sex.
• Feelings of guilt and shame about your body.
• Teachings of childhood, “Sex is bad” “your body and genitals are dirty and should not be touched.”

Sexual Trauma, Assault or Abuse

Unfortunately one of the most common causes of Vaginismus is sexual trauma, assault or abuse. Flashbacks of past sexual trauma or assault can cause an unconscious reflex of the vagina clenching shut. This is usually an unconscious defense mechanism that happens as a woman tries to protect herself from more trauma.

Physical and Psychological Causes Combined

One of the most important things to remember about Vaginismus is that it is not the woman’s fault. The pelvic floor muscle contractions, clenching of the vagina and inability to have penetration are all involuntary. They cannot be controlled or stopped by the woman.

Even when Vaginismus has a physical cause, there are psychological effects that go along with it. A cycle develops between the physical and psychological and if left untreated, will continue endlessly.

For example, a woman who has had previous incidents of Vaginismus  will become so filled with anxiety because of it, the next time she tries to have sex it will occur again due to her anxiety and anticipation that the sex will be painful.

The result looks like this:

Fear/anticipation of painful intercourse/anxiety →Unconscious clenching of vagina/tightening of muscles →Clenching/Vaginal tightness makes penetration impossible→ Unsuccessful/disappointing/upsetting sexual encounter → Anxiety over sexual encounter → Decision to attempt sexual activity again → Back to fear/anticipation of painful intercourse/anxiety.

 

The cycle can be emotionally draining and often women will try to avoid intimacy, dating and sexual activity so they do not experience this turmoil. Sometimes when they do enter a relationship, the pressure to have successful penetration is felt so keenly they only experience more anxiety, which of course, results in another episode of Vaginismus. Sexual partners are often unaware of the problem, women withdraw emotionally and sexually from the relationship and the relationship as a whole, suffers. 

Vaginismus can affect sexual self esteem and the emotional triggers such as sexual assault and feelings of guilt and shame about sex can cause women to feel they are in a deep well of sexual failure they cannot climb out of. The truth is, Vaginismus does not mean a woman is incapable of sexual activity, or experiencing pleasure, or does not love her partner and does not want to have penetrative sex.

There is no evidence to support the idea that Vaginismus decreases sex drive, or arousal. In fact, many women are still able to enjoy sexual play and orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Women who experience Vaginismus report the desire for penetrative sex but the fear of painful intercourse and the emotional toll, based on previous experiences, deters them and they are thrown right back into the cycle above.

Both partners can be frustrated at the deterioration of their sex life. Emotions can range from disappointment, embarrassment, guilt and shame, feeling “defective” to an emotional disassociation with one’s sexuality. 

PART TWO: covers treatment for Vaginismus