Sassy Chat

These past weeks there have been many topics making the news from same sex relationships and civil unions, to the question "Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?" , as well as  the fact that World AIDS Day has come and gone and after 20 years of red ribbons and World AIDS Day awareness campaigns  in this country,  the 'safe sex' message is still being ignored, not to mention the ongoing debate regarding  sex workers and whether there is a place for them in society or not.

Phew! That is just to name a few. 

Same-Sex relationships

It has already been a source of amazement, to me,  that there are those who feel so strongly against same-sex relationships, who have never had anything to do directly with anyone gay.  Then again there are those who have grown up with a deep againstness, which has been conditioned over time from parents who have expressed immense indignation, and righteous statements about their beliefs of homosexuality being evil, wicked, immoral, depraved and many other words that would fill this page.

That type of conditioning even though it is baseless, is passed down from one generation to another.  Here is an ironic story,  I used to travel to and from school,  with a family of boys that were very crude and derogatory in their remarks about males that did not fit their idea of masculinity.  If anyone was unlucky enough to be obese, they were bullied and ridiculed by this family.  You were classed as a sissy  if you expressed anything by waving your hands around, and if you did not excel at sport, you were most definitely a 'retard'.

When the middle son grew up, his own family of boys carried on the tradition of hating gays.  The eldest son came with his mother, myself and my daughter to an educational evening, where a play put on by gay women and men, showed through song and dance how the HIV virus spread, about the importance of practising safe sex and how easy it was to contract Hep B.

Whilst waiting in the foyer to go in to the theatre to take our seats, this son came up and told his mother he had just been touched up by some gay who walked past him.  This was totally untrue - as yes, he was asked to point the person out- who just so happened to be 'straight'!  His idea to cause a sensation came from this imprint from his father ( in particular) whose againstness of homosexuality was extreme.

Moving on in time, the last time I ran into this family (three years ago), the youngest son had 'come out' and declared to his family he was gay.  The father went through a very painful and emotional time coming to terms with this reality and eventually the generational conditioning came tumbling down.  On his sons 21st birthday he admitted to realising that his youngest sons friends, both gay and straight, were the most amazing group of young people he had ever had the pleasure of meeting and that his son was a very respected, clever, articulate and loved person in this large group of people.  There was nothing debasing, or debauched about their love of life, their friendships, or their willingness to accept each other for who they were.

Should men have the right to 'financial abortions'?

This week I received a thought provoking article extracted from the Grazia magazine asking the question whether or not fathers have the right to cut all ties with their child if a woman goes ahead with an unplanned pregnancy, especially if it is against their will.

Again there are two camps in response to the question, where two men had their say - fore and against.

The against response said that even though he was out of pocket more than $55,000 in 15 years of child support, what would be worse in his view was some kid rocking up at the door in say 16 years time with the question "Why did you abandon me?"  He said he would never want to have to explain that he walked away in order to protect his bank balance.

The affirmative response came from a man who agrees a woman has the right to have a baby, has the right to be smart, literate, financially successful and independent and if from that place she wishes to go ahead and have a child, then good on her.  However, if a woman chooses to go ahead and have a baby without a guys consent or knowledge, then hit him for upkeep of that child, then the father should have the right to clearly express his case and not be held liable for two decades of financial grief.

I have a story about that too. A girlfriend of mine had been going out with her brothers mate for about 12 months when they decided to call if off.  The guy took off overseas to get a fresh perspective on life and after 18 months returned. My girlfriends brother mentioned he was going to the airport to collect his mate, so my girlfriend said she wanted to go too.  As fate would have it, after a few drinks and welcome home cheer, the guy finished up staying the night with my girl friend.  Yep.  you guessed it, three months later she realised she was pregnant with his child.

What I never agreed with at the time, was that she did not tell him, and made a decision on her own to keep his child.  Then after the baby was born, about 12 months later, when reality set in, she went after him for maintenance.  She hounded the father of her child until he paid up and indeed, continued to pay up for the next 17 years.  

 Has no one ever heard of a condom??? Surely some self responsibility here would save years of agonising financial burden!

World AIDS Day

When I began my work with HIV/AIDS, I witnessed a marginalised group of people band together in the most extraordinary way and become carers of the sick, campaigners and educators of safe sex practises and show unconditional love for anyone that had been identified as HIV positive.  I had never before ever known or seen people in the community take steps to be there for others in such a powerful way. The educational messages they put together had far reaching effects in schools in the early 1990's as well as making a clear and loud statement about practising safe sex and the use of condoms and using clean needles.

Of course it was thought that this dreaded virus only affected gay people and drug addicts.  This was not true, as once blood banks realised that ordinary men, women and children were living with the virus through being haemophiliacs or having had unprotected sex with someone carrying the virus, then society sat up and began to take notice.

In Western Australia where I was based at the time, one of the biggest points to get across to a section of the community, was to the miners who worked away up North, three months on and one month off. Advocating the use condoms when having sex, usually fell on deaf ears, or at least when it came to putting the message into practise, it was brushed aside. 

When these single miners returned to Perth City , they usually found sexual relief with a sex worker. There were safety measures in place in this instance, as sex workers had received a lot of education and had been briefed to never have sex with clients without a condom.

This message was never easy to get across to those who travelled overseas though.  As one friend who worked in the mines and holidayed in Thailand use to point out. All caution was thrown to the wind when guys took off to Thailand for some well earned rest and recreation.  They were cashed up, would go to bars, be waited upon by skimpily clad Thai waitresses and behave in drunken, disrespectful ways, and then wander off to have sex, never giving any thought to their own safety. No wonder so many came back (even to this day) where months later they learned they had contracted the HIV virus.

Young people today may use a condom if having penetrative intercourse, but what about oral sex?  Given the numbers of young girls who find themselves with oral herpes, I draw the obvious conclusion that they are not insisting on condoms being worn when giving head.

Then there are those middle aged women who after years of marriage, bringing up children and being the perfect housewife, who decide to break out of what has become (perhaps) a mundane and sexless marriage to grab life by the balls and re-connect with their sexual self.  They embark on many dates, with many partners, cruises on ships, try internet dating and never, ever use condoms.  It becomes a game of Russian Roulette.  The point is, these women  were never brought up in an era where condoms were used as a normal part of protection of when indulging in sexual activity. With the advent of the pill, all that was ever thought about was not getting pregnant.  Sexual Infections never seemed as prevalent as they are today.

I personally know a woman who did just that, left a marriage and gave in to her new, previously untapped, sexual expression.  She had a ball. I asked her if she ever used condoms to which she replied "No".  She also said, that she had since had more than a few nightmares about  that fact and had gone and been tested and received the all clear.  I asked her why she had thought of having herself tested and she said she had received a call from a former lover whose voice was very sombre and grave when she answered the phone.  She said her heart sunk down to her toes, and her mind said "Here it comes, what sexual infection has he given me?"  As it turned out, that was not his message at all, but it was enough to scare the pants off her and to go have herself checked.

I asked if she would consider carrying condoms with her at all times now and into the future, to which she replied with a resounding, "You better believe it!".

It's an interesting world we live in, isn't it?

On this site we have written about threesomes (one of the most highly read articles), we've talked about safe sexual pratices, we have written about the hetreosexual increase of HIV.  After much fear mongering ( remember The Grim Reaper adverts of the early 90's) it seems many of us have become very apathetic and indifferent regarding safe sex practices.

It seems males do not as a rule carry condoms in this enlightened age and in fact prefer sexual interaction without them.  What a 'to do' when a female insists upon the use of a condom.  Anyway girls, if you have a couple tucked into your handbag, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry?

Here are some SAFE SEX slogans that whether humourous or not, still carry a serious message.

As a cute reminder here is another video clip showing us the delights of condom usage.

 No money, no honey

April 21, 2010

Part-time sex worker Aundre, pictured in Sydney. Photo: Simon Alekna

 

Paying for sex is no longer a male preserve. In the final part of our series, Mary-Anne Toy explores the world of male escorts and why more women want their services.

SHE is well educated, well spoken and very well groomed: an attractive blonde in her 30s used to men hitting on her in bars. So why did ''Eva''* pay a man to have sex with her? And how did that encounter lead her, a single mother with a full-time professional job, into secretly running a male escort business?

About two years ago, fed up with internet dating and the desultory randomness of the bar scene, but missing male company, Eva toyed with the idea of using a male escort.

Ignoring the storm of censorial voices inside her head, all screaming variations of ''nice girls don't do that'' and worse, she started searching online.

''It was very hard; there wasn't much out there. I rang one of the places and they never returned my phone calls.'' She ran hot and cold on the idea for six months.

Then she found ''Steve'', a solo operator online. ''I was very lucky,'' she says, having now a better idea of what is out there (not much). Steve sent her a picture. They exchanged texts. She wanted to ask all sorts of questions about how it would work, but didn't feel confident enough to have those sorts of conversations.

So she leapfrogged her doubts entirely and arranged for him to come to her house.

''It was nerve-racking but I was also excited. The anticipation, thinking, 'Oh goodness, what am I doing?' '' she says. ''When I opened the door, I just went 'phew'. He was gorgeous, beautifully presented and he made me feel at ease. He worked very hard to make me feel comfortable.''

That encounter resulted in Eva and a friend setting up an exclusive escort business, My Male Companion, for professional women like themselves who were well-off, but stressed or time-poor and wanted male company and sex on their own terms. About 40 per cent of jobs don't involve sex; the clients just want the male company. For Eva, hiring Steve was an overwhelmingly positive experience that she doesn't regret. But she knows that she is totally kicking against societal and possibly biological norms. Some men pay for sex, always have, probably always will. But women? It's a fraught issue, especially as prostitution is one of the most divisive issues among feminists.

Dr Lauren Rosewarne, a lecturer in public policy and sex researcher at the University of Melbourne, likes the idea of women taking control of their sexuality, of women owning their desires, but isn't sure that women paying for sex is progress.

''It still comes back to this idea of commodifying bodies and that's not gender specific,'' Rosewarne says.

Author Melinda Tankard Reist, an activist who campaigns against abortion, sexual exploitation and the sexualisation of children, says hiring prostitutes is fundamentally a male preserve, which is why we ''don't see huge line-ups of women wanting to buy the bodies of boys and men''.

Another reason has been that women haven't been in a position to treat men that way. ''Women generally don't have the time or money that men have, nor the sense of social entitlement to the bodies of other people,'' Reist says. She thinks that is changing, but that it is not a positive development.

''It's really the democratisation of objectification. Buying and selling male or female bodies for sex will always be reducing them to a means to an end; a denial of their full humanity.''

Eva also believes attitudes are changing, and see Rosewarne and Reist's misgivings as part of the old-fashioned mindset that restricts women from getting their needs met.

Although Eva was thrilled with her secret adventure with Steve, she was hesitant to tell anyone about it. Despite Sex and the City capturing some of the Zeitgeist of what being a liberated woman today means - if you're white, educated, physically attractive and well-off - Eva argues that in reality women tend not to talk about their sexual needs.

Eva finally confessed to her friend ''Julie'', and was more relieved than she expected that her friend didn't recoil in horror. Julie's reaction was positive: ''That's great! How much better is that? You didn't have to go out all night, didn't have guys sleazing on you all night, the whole internet dating.''

Was it just about the sex? Eva said no. ''We sat on the lounge and he held my hand and stroked my hair and we talked. I enjoyed that as much as the sex, though the sex was great.''

Eva and Julie figured that they were pretty normal, intelligent women and if they were interested in being able to have company or sex on their terms, others would, too, and that male escorts for women could be normalised or at least destigmatised.

My Male Companion has up to eight male escorts working in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. In two years of operation, Eva says hundreds of women have used the service, and they are getting so many men wanting to work for them that they have started charging for a full interview. Eva agrees to interview only about one in 10 applicants.

Eva says it's difficult to find a good male escort because it's not enough to be attractive physically. ''The perception of a lot of men who come into this work is it's all about sex, but it's not. It's about making the women feel special,'' Eva says.

She needs more Melbourne-based men and older men, in their late 30s and 40s. ''The whole cougar thing is making women more sensitive [saying] 'I don't want to be seen with someone who looks significantly younger than me'.''

So what kind of woman pays for sex? Eva says most clients are in their 30s and 40s though some are older. Most are attractive, professional, normally confident women who go to water when they contemplate hiring a male escort. A lot of Eva and Julie's time is spent reassuring women and answering lots of questions.

She blames this on the fact that women who are very open about their sexual needs or sexuality are ''still labelled and judged''.

''We help women feel good about their choices, give them confidence that if this is something they want to do, they're allowed to,'' Eva says.

What she loves about the business is that so many clients who have agonised over it, contact her afterwards to say it was amazing. ''The feedback I get most is 'that was a whole lot of fun'.'' But they're not about to tell their friends. ''We're still very much in the closet. I think women want to do this, but they're like me, it might take them six months thinking about it before they do it.''

Eva and Julie, who live in Sydney, are now thinking of ''coming out'', which they are certain would result in business soaring. But they are worried about the implications for their children, the fact that both of them are single mothers, and that going public might make it impossible to keep their current professional jobs.

''Even though what we're trying to do … is an exciting concept, I am obviously conscious of the reality - society's situation - that if I do come out there will be some judgments and possible repercussions,'' Eva says. ''There's a part of me that would really like to come out because I love the idea and would like to see more women act upon and make choices for themselves … to have the same freedoms that men have.''

Veteran lobbyist for the sex industry Robbie Swan says there are no brothels for women and few male escorts aimed only at women because '' women don't buy sex, they don't need to. If they want sex, they can just go get it for free wherever they want.'' He wonders if male escorts for women will ever become common. He says women tend not to have sex without love or affection, whereas men do all the time. ''That's just the difference, biology, and the internet doesn't change that,'' he says.

It does seem a contradiction. Everyone understands why men pay for sex, but women? And why is there more stigma for a woman to be paid for sex than for a man?

Reist says that when women pay men for sex, it doesn't have the same social effect because there is no history of women enslaving men, the porn industry (which she calls the filming of prostitution) is still primarily driven by men's sexual demands. ''There's no social construction of men as sluts who enjoy their own degradation,'' Reist says.

Rosewarne says the number of women who hire male escorts is still so small that it has not been much researched, but women undertaking sex tourism has become a big enough phenomenon to be studied.

Sex tourism for women mainly involves Americans and Europeans travelling to places such as Jamaica and Haiti to purchase sex with local men. ''I'm not saying women aren't paying for sex, but the way they do it is different,'' she says. Men will frequently pay for sex for 20-30 minutes and be satisfied. ''Women are almost buying a boyfriend for a week.''

But she says it makes sex tourism no more acceptable when it is women doing the buying. ''It raises a whole lot of power, sex, political issues that I'm not sure we've resolved. It's not a level playing field … These men in Haiti, if you ask them if they had access to a university degree and could be a doctor or lawyer, do you reckon you would be a prostitute to a wealthy white woman?''

But in Australia, is it a level playing field for male escorts catering for women, and does that make it OK?

''Aundre'' (pictured), 23, has been working as a male escort for two years and, like the other escorts The Age interviewed, has a full-time job. His detailed website offers the ''ultimate boyfriend experience'', from ''an intellectual conversation over dinner'', to ''ground-breaking sex'' from $170 an hour to $1200 for 12 hours.

Aundre says lots of guys talk about becoming male escorts, but most are not focused enough to do it. ''There is demand out there, but it's a niche market.''

MELBOURNE-BASED ''Daniel'' has worked on and off in the sex industry for more than a decade, but has been specialising in just women and couples for the past year. His website states he ''practices the arts of intimacy, control, erotica, tantra, massage, bondage, discipline, cross-dressing, role play, sexuality and spanking''.

He also has a full-time day job, partly because there is insufficient demand and partly because he finds the work emotionally draining.

He says there are few male prostitutes for women because ''women would rather go without sex than face the fear of asking for it from a stranger and paying for it.''

Women ''still think it's not allowed. They can't ask for what they want and they don't get what they want,'' Daniel says.

His clients have ranged from a 19-year-old who wanted to lose her virginity with someone experienced, to women in their 30s sick of dating ''losers''; from 40-plus corporate high-flyers and married women bored with their sex lives, to couples (husbands don't see him as a threat).

''Sometimes you open the door and you see a really beautiful woman and I can't believe how lucky I am: this woman is going to pay to have sex with me.''

Steve, the first male escort Eva hired, ended up working for her. He is My Male Companion's most popular escort and will wine and dine a woman for $250 an hour - or have sex with them for $500 an hour, minimum booking of two hours. A full day can cost $15,000. The escort work, which he keeps secret from most of his family, friends and employer, is paying for his higher education and training.

Steve, who moved here from Europe, lives in Sydney but travels, mainly to Melbourne and Brisbane, for one-off and regular clients. Sometimes he is hired just to spend the day with a woman and her children - ''looking after the children, walking in the park or with the dogs, cooking a meal together. Sometimes it's to make an ex jealous.''

He says the income is good but not the primary motivator. ''In a selfish way I feel pleasure by giving pleasure and by giving I receive, that's what counts.''

For ''Jeanette'', hiring a male escort was about safely extending her sexual boundaries, doing ''something for myself'' after working full-time and raising two, now adult, children as a single mother.

She found Daniel online and chose him because he was an S&M (sadomasochism) master. She had no shortage of lovers, but hired Daniel regularly over a year because she could be totally upfront with him in a way she couldn't with her regular lovers.

The liberating part was that Daniel was never judgmental about her sexual fantasies or responses, but rather patient, supportive and fun to be with.

''It was a trip to Paris or this,'' Jeanette says with a big smile. ''My life has gone in a direction I would never have imagined. I would never have seen myself doing what I have done in the last few years with Daniel but I am really glad I have and I think it's due to the freedom. There's a lot more freedom for women now.''

Mary-Anne Toy is a senior writer.

*The names of escorts and their clients have been changed to protect their privacy.

Source: The Age

The Golden Goddess lost her lustre


Susanne Devereaux was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that ...

With apologies to master storyteller Charles Dickens' seasonal favourite, A Christmas Carol, it must be reported that the former queen of WA's escort agency trade has passed away without so much as a ruffle.

Her end was as silent as her bullion buying and gambling lifestyle was noisy.

Only now can we reveal that family and friends had wanted her farewell to be devoid of the notoriety that had gone hand in hand with her calling.

Accordingly, a secretive funeral service was held in Fremantle early last year when the madam who had railed against police, the tax man and rivals was sent off in a ceremony hidden from prying eyes.

They say her real name was Lynda Dulcie Buckley who was harder than the nails banged into Old Marley's coffin in Dickens' tale of redemption. We hear she succumbed to a malignant disease in her 50s after a brave struggle.

The story goes that Susanne Devereaux, as she became known, was a star pupil of Shirley Finn, who was a dominant player in Perth's escort agency scene in the 1970s before the latter's career was dramatically curtailed by a mystery gunman in 1975.

Ms Devereaux filled the void, and sold her business in 1983 to a new ambitious rival, Mary-Anne Kenworthy, who would become the best-known madam in Perth.

"She taught me everything I know," Ms Kenworthy told Inside Cover, revealing that she was among the mourners. Their rivalry was memorably poisonous and concluded in 1991 when Ms Devereaux was jailed for eight years for burning down Ms Kenworthy's agency and tax fraud, among other crimes. In Bandyup, she was known as the Golden Goddess for her love of bullion.

One thing still makes her of more than passing interest. She made court statements complaining that, like Finn, she had paid money to unnamed people to keep her business going.

To the authorities she was a Scrooge with taxes, suspected of squirreling away seven-figure sums. She was bankrupted three times. Ms Kenworthy says she found happiness after marrying a prison officer.

She said Ms Devereaux operated outside the controversial police containment policy at critical times in her career.

"Her main legacy was how not to do it," she said.

Yet Sue Devereaux, as the media loved to call her, was also good for a yarn. RIP, madam.

Author: TORRANCE MENDEZ
Publication: The West Australian (2,Wed 03 Jan 2007)

thanks to EROS FOUNDATION

As a former Sandgroper of many years these names and subsequent occupations are very familiar to me.  I am reminded of a book written by a woman I knew very well "God's Call Girl" by Carla van Raay.  It is a great read so check it out.