Sassy Chat

Felt a little like old times yesterday.   I spent a delightful World AIDS Day at Tweed Heads Hospital manning a table set up with lots of goodies to highlight and bring awareness to passers by that HIV and AIDS is still around.  Did you know that in NSW, there were more than 300 new cases of HIV diagnosed last year?  Right now there are more than 10,080 people living with HIV in NSW alone.

It has been 22 years since I began my work with the West Australian AIDS Council and things have certainly changed since those days.  With the advent of combination therapies, some dear friends from that time in my life, are still alive and well.  Whilst that is great news, the message still remains the same.  PRACTISE SAFE SEX ALWAYS!!!  World AIDS Day on the 1st December each year, serves as a reminder that Sexually Transmitted Infections are a reality and HIV is still affecting lives here in Australia, as well as overseas.  So condoms are a very practical and safe option to reduce the risks of infection and remain protected.

On that note, I want to share a story....

There is a real fun book available if you are in for a lazy weekend and happy to read about a 50 year old woman's sexual romps in the most desirable, romantic and idyllic getaways all over the globe.  The name of the book is Keep it in Yor Knickers

I have met the author in person, and was very cheeky and mentioned to her that after I devoured the book in 5 hours straight, I was left with a curious question... which was "Did you ever use condoms with those different sexual partners?"  her answer was "No". 

There are a few books out that highlight finding a new lease on life, where various aged women over 50 get it on with men and finally experience some extraordinary sex!!  Good on them.  May I say though, Safe Sex is not just for gay men and the young... it is for everyone, bi, gay, straight, young, old.  It is about taking measures of self responsibility and looking out for number one.  YOU!!!  Who really wants to play Russian Roulette with their life, by having fantastic sex, with various partners, before being dealt the the blow of being diagnosed with HIV or and STI?  Sure you could always be one of the lucky ones, but then again, how do you KNOW that?

So I guess it is a personal thing.  I can only strongly encourage you to play safe, I have seen first hand and worked for six years with aftermath of those left their personal safety out of the equation when it came to having unprotected sex.

I remember thinking yesterday, as I had different conversations with Sexual Health Officers, Administration staff, patients and clinical staff, that there was a common thread to each conversation and that was that it seems there is no longer the level of education and information being made available to those at risk in the community at large.  That is,  those attending secondary schools, as well as university.  The huge surge in oral STI's is an indicator that all is not as it should be, when it comes to the youth of today making fully informed decisions in experimenting or being involved in any type of sexual activity. 

I for one, can not see any immediate change, especially if schools are unable to give some real, authentic and practical information regarding the pros and cons of sexual activity, the use of condoms and HOW to implement the use of them especially for oral pleasure.  Being unable to advocate self pleasure and promoting that as a normal, natural and life enhancing undertaking.  Offering alternatives to young girls who are feeling the call of sexual awakening in promoting the use of appropriate intimate pleasure products, rather than the boy next door being the product of their pleasure. 

There will always be room for improvement in the sex education stakes that is for sure. Maybe my solutions are too radical, but they are definately a safer option!

I was watching television this evening and an advert came on that caught my attention. It was an ad for Poise. A woman sneezing, picking up a child and doing aerobics, the message being that if you have urinary incontinence or leaking then wear a Poise panty liner.

Well, That is one option, yet I couldn't help thinking... why not get to the source of the problem?  A weak pelvic floor muscle stems from using the incorrect muscles when lifting, poor toilet position especially straining the bowel, excessive exercising without correct pulling in and tightening of the pelvic muscles.  Many women tightening the waist muscles and ' suck in' , rather than finding their core balance and learning to squeeze and hold the pelvic floor muscle correctly.

There is a great book available called " Hold it Sister" written by Mary O'Dwyer, Physiotherapist and Pelvic Floor Coach. This book has illustrations which help you get a visual of what is required, as well as a chapter on exercise that will assist strenthening you pelvic floor muscles. Watch and listen to what she has to say about pelvic floor strength in the clip below.

 Often learning to exercise the correct muscles is aided by using a resistance device which is inserted into vagina.

 The Vaginal Barbell is a weighted barbell made of medical grade stainless steel which really helps with clenching exercises.  It ensures you are using the correct muscles.

 For busy women on the go, the Luna Beads from Lelo are a great options.  The set contain two lots of weighted balls, one lighter than the other.  As your pelvic strength increases then you can move to the heavier set.

There are also the Fun Factory Teneo Duo balls which are another set of pelvic floor exercisers to assist with developing good pelvic floor habits.

As with anything, the easiest way out is not always the healthiest.  In order to ensure pelvic floor health slipping on a Poise  pad is a band aid, and is not going to solve your problem.

Wouldn't you rather do Pelvic Floor Exercises and use a resistance device than wear a pad for the rest of your life? I know which option I'm choosing.

PART TWO of Sassy Chat Blog on Vaginismus

Treatment for Vaginismus can have many factors and the good news is that Vaginismus is usually 100% treatable. First, the psychological issues that accompany it must be treated. If a woman has been sexually assaulted, traumatized or abused she must work through her feelings about that experience in therapy. Having sex used as a weapon to harm you can have devastating affects and it takes time through therapy to work through all the issues and feelings associated with that and be able to return to thinking about sex as something pleasurable instead of harmful.

If a woman has been taught that sex is dirty, bad, sinful, and shameful and that her body or genitals are ugly, dirty, smelly, not to be touched etc. then it is easy to internalize negative feelings about sexuality. This is also something that needs to be discussed with a therapist so she can understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and a wonderful expression of love and intimacy and that her body is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.

What else will happen in therapy?

The therapist, along with helping the woman to deal with the psychological issues she is facing, will also use other techniques to help with woman be able to relax and be able to have vaginal penetration. Women get “homework” and are assigned exercises to do at home between therapy appointments.

The techniques for treating Vaginismus include:

•       Relaxation exercises. Learning to practice deep breathing from the belly, meditate and relax the entire body will help learn how to relax the body and mind during sexual activity.
•        Pelvic floor exercises. Exercises such as Kegel exercises which not only strengthen the pelvic floor muscles but also control them. The best way to understand how to do Kegel exercises is to start urinating. In the middle of your flow of urine, squeeze your pelvic muscles until the stream of urine stops. Hold this for a few seconds and then release the muscles and start urinating again. Whilst this is the correct muscle to exercise it is not recommended that you repeat this pattern each time you go to the bathroom. If you are able to put lubricant on your 1st and 2nd fingers and slide them about an inch into your vagina and squeeze and draw up on your fingers, you are doing well, as that is the correct action. You may need to start with one finger. As you build up your pelvic floor muscles, the amount of time you can squeeze and hold them will increase. After a few weeks, you should see a difference. Learning how to identify your pelvic floor muscles as well as control them, also retrains them and helps reduce pain and tolerate penetration.
•       It is also helpful to use restraining devices when doing pelvic floor exercise, such as a Vaginal Barbell, or the Fun Factory Teneo Smartballs.  There are double and singles balls which are weighted, that helps the brain remember to squeeze.  It is recommended that you insert and do exercises for at least 15 minutes each day.
•       Sensate Focus. Invented by Master’s and Johnson, Sensate Focus exercises are designed for couples to learn about touch without sexual intercourse. Through a series of controlled touch exercises where the body, apart from the genitals are touched, stroked and caressed, couples can increase intimacy and trust, take the pressure off of expecting sex, and build an understanding of what the woman needs to progress through treatment and get to the point where she is comfortable attempting intercourse.
•        Masturbation.  While it is true many women who suffer from Vaginismus have issues with their genitals, especially touching them, masturbation is a key component of overcoming the problem.  Masturbation is a normal, healthy sexual activity and it can help someone learn about their body, from basic anatomy to what is pleasurable. Women who experience Vaginismus will be asked to masturbate to help them become comfortable with being touched in the genital area, which will also help overcome feelings of guilt and shame about their bodies and sexuality and prepare for the next phase of treatment. Vibration gives increased sensory input to muscles. There are many women who have discovered the benefits of using a vibrator when masturbating.  A variety of clitoral stimulators are available without having to use penetration.    

Vaginal Dilators

An important aspect of treating Vaginismus is the use of vaginal dilators. These are used at home, alone at first and then with the woman’s partner. There is a series of dilators that range in size with the smallest one being about the size of a pinky and the largest one being about the size of an average penis. The woman starts with the smallest one and works her way up over several weeks to the largest one. The woman attempts to insert the dilator into her vagina slowly until it is all the way in. Usually lubricant is used to help make it easier and the woman does the deep breathing and relaxation exercises to try to relax the pelvic muscles and reduce anxiety. She does this every night for a week and the next week starts with the next dilator in size. This pattern is continued until the woman can successfully insert the largest dilator all the way into her vagina. Vaginal Dilators trigger pelvic floor muscle reactions and women can learn how to control these reactions and redirect them so they respond correctly to penetration. At each stage, if the vagina starts to clench or anxiety increases, the woman should stop, try to relax and start again. It may take several attempts or several sessions of trying before it works but if the woman does not give up, success can be attained in overcoming Vaginismus.

Bringing in the Partner

Once a woman is able to successfully insert the largest dilator with no problems, her partner enters the exercise. Each night they spend some time with the dilators. First the woman will insert the dilator in front of her partner. This not only shows him how to do it and allows her to control the speed and depth of penetration, but also helps reduce anxiety, embarrassment, guilt and shame the woman may be experiencing. When this hurdle is cleared and penetration with the dilator is successful, the next step is letting the woman’s partner insert the dilator.  Her partner should take care to go slow, pay attention to any anxiety she may be feeling and stop immediately if she tells him to stop. As with the solo exercises, it may take several tries before penetration can be achieved but this is the time for patience and understanding.

Progressing to Intercourse

The next natural step in the process is attempting intercourse. It is important that the woman feels she is ready to try having sex, both physically and emotionally. She should be sure to use lubricant, go slowly and have plenty of foreplay. Relaxation exercises should be done and this is something couples can do together. The first time intercourse is attempted the woman should be on top so she can control the depth of penetration and proceed to deeper penetration at her own pace. Couples may have to start and stop more than once in the middle of sex to deal with anxiety and tightening of vaginal muscles.

Sometimes couples get discouraged if they are not successful on their first try but again, patience and understanding are necessary as is good communication. As the woman becomes more comfortable with each sexual encounter, couples can try different sexual positions to see which works best for them.

A word about Communication

By far, the most important aspect of overcoming Vaginismus is good communication between partners. A woman must be able to express her feelings about what is happening to her physically and emotionally. Her partner must be able to do the same. Couples with good communication have better tools in their relationship to deal with whatever problems they face. Good communication facilitates healthy relationships, trust, comfort and intimacy.

Other treatments

Some women report successful treatment of Vaginismus with Acupuncture. The use of Botox injections in the vagina to relax muscles is a relatively new treatment and is still controversial in acting as a cure for Vaginismus.

Good overall health, regular exercise especially those that focus on strengthening the pelvic floor and trying to reduce overall stress can also help with Vaginismus.

The most important thing is to understand that there is help available. Women do not need to hide in guilt and shame. Instead they need to take control of their sexuality and seek out treatment. Women have a right to be sexual, experience sexual pleasure free from pain and love their bodies.  There is no reason with the right treatment Vaginsmus cannot be cured and instead of suffering in silence, women can experience happy, healthy and pleasurable sex lives.

Copyright © 2011 Marie-Elise Allen

Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the content remains complete and intact, and that full credit is given to the author(s), that a link is provided to the author(s) website, www.sassyvibes.com.au and that the information is distributed freely.

.....from the mouth of LELO

So the G-spot doesn’t exist?
That’s what recent studies from a London university claim, but our very own GIGI has something to say about that. Her uniquely flattened tip is perfect for pleasuring this erogenous zone, with the possibilities becoming even greater when used with a partner.

External Pleasures
Gently stroke GIGI’s beautifully smooth surface over your partner’s body on a low vibration setting, creating suspense for what is to follow. After you have explored the less talked-about erogenous zones, gently tease the inner thighs before gliding slowly towards the clitoris. There GIGI's curves mould perfectly with the female form for the most tantalizing sensations – the perfect build-up to a more satisfying experience.

Internal Pleasures
Once GIGI finds her way to the G-spot (using water-based lubricant), apply pressure upwards towards the stomach. To really enhance the feeling, women can also close their legs and draw them up to their chest, allowing GIGI to deliver even more intense stimulation. A partner can meanwhile tease the clitoris orally or with NEA, or the new SIRI, while GIGI pleasures from within. And when you find the mode that suits you best, you’ll be proving those researchers wrong again and again.

Sharing the sensations
But why should men miss out on all the fun? When a male partner enters from behind, the woman can use GIGI’s curved head to not only stimulate herself, but also reach underneath to apply low vibrations around the base of the penis and behind the testicles. The effect is to greatly enhance the sensations for both partners, sharing the vibe and adding a whole new range of pleasures to a couple’s bedroom play.

Have you ever had such good sex that when your partner goes to pull out you squeeze very tightly and feel your PC muscle close around his penis and you hold on real tight and whisper, 'No don't, stay in me longer, it feels nice'?

This is a great way to  know you are working your PC and have the correct muscle!  Very often when doing pelvic floor exercises  many women are actually not using the correct muscle.  The best thing to do is insert your first and second fingers inside the vagina about an inch or so and then squeeze, lift and hold.  If you can feel a tightening and a pulling upward effect around your fingers, you are doing the correct action.

It has been researched and reported that when incontinent women attempt to lift their pelvic floor that four out of ten women actually tighten their outer tummy muscle and chest wall muscles and then incorrectly bear down on their pelvic floor.  Also two out of ten women have no contraction in the pelvic floor at all.

During pregnancy,  the pelvic floor which is an integral part of being female, supports the baby growing inside the womb and also supports your bladder, rectum, uterus, and other internal organs.  After childbirth a weak pelvic floor can  cause a prolapse,  urinary loss,  lower sexual satisfaction during intercourse and pelvic pain. Any injury to the band of muscle around the anus can result in leaking gas as well as  a sense of urgency about elimination.

It is a given that not exercising the right muscles after childbirth can cause despondency. especially if your sex life is not the same as it was before.  Many women carry a silent  grief around that.  Vibration gives increased sensory input to muscles.  It increases the muscles ability to contract, increasing strength.  As with the finger exercise above, if you insert a vibrator (ensuring it is coated with a water based lubricant, such as HYDRA),  then tighten your PC muscle around the vibrator, you should feel a closing action around the shaft.  This is why it is often helpful to use a restraining device when opting for pelvic floor exercise.  Inserting smartballs or Luna Beads allow women to be mindful of squeezing whilst still doing household chores.   

Females who exercise a lot whether it be running or gymnastics, or high impact aerobics, who are in occupations requiring lifting, who are overweight, have a lousy posture when sitting and even have incorrect toileting habits are all prone to experiencing pelvic floor dysfunction.

There is no harm in finding a Women's Health Physiotherapist and receiving help, then not only will you regain bladder control you will quickly regain orgasmic sensation.

Here's a catchy tune on video and some pelvic floor exerciser options available in the Sassy Vibe Store.